I Don't Love February

Psalm 77:5, "I thought about the former days, the years of long ago" (NIV).  As a side note, it's worthwhile to read all of Psalm 77, just in case you wondered...

The other day I came across a quote that read, "Don't let your struggle become your identity" - Toby Mac.  I like the concept.  I like it a lot.  But there is something to the idea that our struggles do shape who we are.  It can be a good thing.  We all have a past.  Life happens.  If it didn't, well, where would we be?

So, primarily, February stinks for me because of events that took place 23 years ago...

1993 was not a leap year.  I fell asleep on February 28th, listening through the walls to the last moments of Mammaw's life.  I woke up on March 1st, feeling pretty alone in the world.  She had been sick for a very long time.  My mom had checked out on me, completely, as she cared for her.  I was thirteen.  Even all these years later I wonder if I should have given her one more hug, said, "I love you," one more time, curled up in her bedroom and watched as she died as opposed to just playing the audio.  It's suffocating to think about it, even now. 

Leap day provides space...

Leap day reminds me of the hours that didn't exist that year, of all of the things that weren't said and all of the moments that weren't had.  But it also reminds me of all of the things that can be said and done, today.  It's like a bonus round.

And so I don't love February.  In fact, I generally like it to come and go as quickly as possible.  And yet... here I am considering all of the things that can happen, today, because these hours are real.  I am considering all of the things that I won't get to do next year on February 29th, because it won't occur... for anyone...  Overall, I think we should all do some pretty amazing things on leap day, because we only get so many of these extra magic hours (oh, Disney reference, now go watch "Up"...)  I wonder what kinds of things I might yet do, today, that actually require a leap...

And... just because I can take a moment of personal privilege on my own little space on the World Wide Web whenever I want, how about a throwback, throwback Monday...

If you post something three times, you must really mean it...  I first posted this in 2006... then again in 2008 (with minor editing)... and here we are, yet again (with a little more editing)...

 

In 1993, Mammaw went to live with Jesus... and I still miss her...

I wish...
That she'd taught me how to sew...
That she'd met Phil...
That she'd seen her five beautiful great-grandchildren...

I wish...
That I had that bandana and T-shirt...
That I'd paid better attention when she was "whipping" potatoes...
That I'd gotten her nose, instead of her hair...
 That I'd said, "I love you" one more time... Because I could have...

I'm glad that so much of her personality is in me... even the parts that other people don't understand... because deep down, those are some of the best parts...

At times like this, I could use a hug... or a trip to K-Mart... or some fried chicken... or a game of Chinese checkers... and the list goes on and on, because the memories are good...

I hope she'd be proud of the person I've become... and the person I'm becoming...

And I know she would, because she always seemed to see past my many faults anyway...

I doubt I'll ever...
Shell beans again...
Sweep the street in front of my house...

But I'm glad she did...

Don't forget where you came from, but don't lose sight of where you're going, either...

L.