I Don't Have Time for This

Over the years, I have used this phrase whenever I don't want to deal with something, often something mildly irritating:

The kids are fighting about what toppings are appropriate for grilled cheese...

"I don't have time for this."

My horrible Internet connection is running so slowly that I might actually have to reset it...

"I don't have time for this."

A prospective employer wants me to fill out an application with exactly the same information that is available on my CV...

"I don't have time for this."

The drama mamas are whining about my teenagers having no interest in dating their offspring, while simultaneously expressing concerns that my same teenagers just explained open theism to an entire room full of nice church kids... at camp...

"Nobody has time for this."

Actually, if that last one ever happens to any of you, just run... fast... faster than I did...

So, the truth is, we all actually wake up, do whatever we do, and go back to sleep in twenty-four hour periods called days.  When we put seven of these together, we have a week.  Fifty-two of those, and that makes up a year.  We all have exactly the same amount of time, day to day, and the difference between the entire amount of time we get, overall, is negligible.  The average life expectancy in the United States is just under 80 years old.  If you make it to 65, chances are excellent that you'll make it to 85 but probably not 90.  Still, something like 10% of people who live to 65 will also pass 95, so it happens.  Personally, I'm holding out hope that I have my great-grandma's genes for longevity, because she lived to 103.  But even 103 years isn't all that long in the grand scheme of the narrative of God and history.

I have occasionally been hard on myself when the words, "I don't have time for this," roll off my tongue.  I have tried to convince myself that I have time for whatever is actually a priority to me and that I shouldn't use this phrase liberally, precisely because of the fact that I have the same amount of time in a day as anyone else.  But the more I think about it, the more I am considering this as a phrase worth reclaiming.  I do not have time for things that don't really matter.  I do not have time for these things, because I don't want to have time for them.  And neither do you.   

Psalm 39:5, "You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you.  Everyone is but a breath, even those who seem secure" (NIV).

James 4:13-17, "Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them" (NIV).

We have time to do good.  We have time to do what is right and redemptive and builds the Kingdom.  Because the truth is, everything we do is temporary.  Everything we do is fleeting.  There is actually no such thing as empire building or legacy...  at least, there's no such thing apart from the people we touch and impact for the sake of continued redemption. 

When I look at the big picture, I know that the things I do are important for the moment.  What we do matters.  It just doesn't last.  And please don't misunderstand, because there is a very popular opinion that we should only do things that have eternal value, but I think this is sometimes inaccurate.  Let me explain...

Last weekend, my extended family spent some time together on Lake Michigan.  We went to a retreat center and stayed in a cabin and I think there was sand between my toes for forty-eight hours, and I was wet the entire time.  I'm not much of a camper, but I had fun.  One afternoon, there was an opportunity to go off campus and fill personal care packages for people who have lost everything in the Louisiana floods.  The seven of us participated in this venture.  We packed shampoo and toothpaste and soap, and the soap is really important, because my youngest daughter (who is six) did that part, and although she was excited to help, she was also distraught over the fact that we were going to pack all of this stuff and it was going to be shipped to Louisiana, because she really thought we were going to deliver it, ourselves, and build new houses for all of the displaced people while we were there.  She dreams big.  I love that.  But somehow I had to help her understand that the world is bigger than just us, and the organization we were helping had specific information about what was needed, immediately, and that we were just a little part of it, this time.  The truth is, that soap may be all used up, today.  If not, it will be within a week or two.  It won't last, but it does matter.  Meeting immediate needs is something we should have time for, because by the very definition, immediate needs can't wait. 

I have no idea if someone in Louisiana will come to know and love Jesus because my baby put a bar of soap in a plastic bag.  But this is the kind of stuff about which I hear other people saying, "We don't have time for this," and it makes me mad.  And when I'm mad, I cry.  So everybody thinks I'm sad.  And I guess it does make me sad, as well. 

We have time for this.  We have to have time for this. 

Not too long ago, someone confronted me about this kind of thinking and explained to me in no uncertain terms that this kind of ministry to others doesn't count as discipleship, because there is no worship service and nobody gets saved.  Well, whatever.  My child now knows how to work as a team and love a little bit harder, so I'm not going to worry too much about whether or not it counts.

Well, this is getting long.  Let's end with Augustine, because this quote, one of my favorites, is so beautifully controversial...       

"Love God and do whatever you please: for the soul trained in love to God will do nothing to offend the One who is Beloved" (Augustine, probably pretty severely paraphrased, but we all say that this is what he said).

I have time for this.  I have time to do whatever I please.

L.

Maundy Thursday

John 13:3-5, "Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him" (NIV).

This is always a difficult passage for me, although one of my favorites.  As it turns out, I am drawn to difficult things.  But something struck me, fresh, as I read this through tears, today.  It was because Jesus knew that all things were under his power that he chose to wash dirty feet? 

Oh, Jesus.  You never do anything we would expect.

I love Peter's interaction with Jesus in this passage.  Peter is, perhaps, the original example of awkward interaction.  I can relate to Peter.  Peter, who initially is horrified that Jesus would touch his dirty feet but then turns ridiculously passionate as understanding dawns.  "How about a shower, then, Jesus?  I think I'll take a spa day, full body wrap, massage, mani/pedi, and top it off with a facial!"

Oh, Peter.  You say everything I would expect. 

I have read this narrative hundreds of times, and yet there are these little bits and pieces of information that are striking me something like shards of glass.

Jesus proceeds to tell Peter what it is to be clean.  He even speaks to the fact that not everyone present is clean.  And then he washes all of the feet, anyway.  All of them.  Even Judas'.  This cannot be easy, but it's right.  There is only one explanation for how Jesus accomplishes this task.  We must back up just a touch to see it clearly (not that I am actually seeing anything clearly, because this story is touching me so deeply my vision is blurred...)    

John 13:1b, "Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end" (NIV).

Jesus knows that Peter is a little eccentric.  He knows that James and John are a little arrogant.  He knows that Thomas is unsure.  Jesus surely knows the faults of every person in the room.  He knows that Judas is about to hand him over to death.  And yet these are Jesus' people, his own.  Jesus loves them all.  The end is near, so he grabs a towel.  Love serves.

Of course, Jesus also serves a meal on this night...

I Corinthians 11:23-26, "The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, 'This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me. 'In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, 'This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.' For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes" (NIV).

I feel as if this night must have been exhausting.  Suddenly I have more grace for the disciples who fell asleep.  In these acts of service, in this sacrament, God is moving.  And then, God incarnate, is literally moving... to the garden... closer to the cross.  Sometimes I think the movement of God is more than we can handle, even when it is everything we need.

 L.

Dear Irresponsible Leaders

Sometimes I feel like Moses...

Exodus 4:12-13, "Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."  But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else" (NIV).

Just to make it abundantly clear, I don't love being the voice of controversy.  I don't love being the one who says what needs to be said when nobody else is willing to say it.  But somebody has to be that voice, so here I am.

Leadership is not what you think it is.  I don't often "pull rank" like this, but I have a business management degree.  I have spent much of my life leading people in various roles.  I know what works, and I know what doesn't, and the truth is, real leadership is not all that glamorous.  The other truth is, the church is not a business.  So, please don't misunderstand.  One of the reasons I don't pull rank is that I know that much of what I learned while acquiring that degree is completely irrelevant to ministry.  Dear irresponsible leaders who do not even have the education or experience to implement business strategies, please stop trying to do this in the church!  It's not what you're supposed to be doing!  It's not what it's cracked up to be!  It's not working!

Don't feel awful, though... at least not yet.  You're in pretty good company.  This kind of thing has been going on forever.  Let's take this example from Scripture.  After Jesus predicts his death... again... the disciples start arguing.  You might think that they are distressed, acting out, trying to work through their own feelings of grief.  But when Jesus asks them about this,        

Mark 9:34-35, "They kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.  Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all” (NIV).

I'm not saying this is exactly the way it went down, but it is almost as if these arguing disciples are just sitting in wait, wondering which of them might rise to the top of the hierarchy once Jesus is dead!  It sounds a little bit like the business world to me.  It sounds a little bit like the church world to me.  Let me be honest, sometimes it has sounded a little bit like my own life and attitude.  Always watching.  Always waiting.  Missing what is right in front of my face, because I want something different, something better, something that comes with a paycheck and a title and some respect. 

And yet, here I sit, this morning, in my Hello Kitty pajamas, with a five year old crunching an inordinate amount of Count Chocula, at my feet, on the living room carpet, listening to third grade math as background music, and thinking about how I have kids to run to eye appointments and a sermon to write for a preaching class that is way out of my league.  It's no wonder the leaders who I contact by email... and voicemail... and face to face... sometimes look right past me. 

And, I Corinthians 4...  all of it...

Sometimes I feel like Paul, except I'm not that great...

There's something wrong with this, though.  Admittedly, I am not the leader I would like to be... perhaps I am not the leader I should be or the leader I could be or the leader I will be someday (let's hope).  But I really do think we have a problem when the people we refer to as leaders ignore communication and look at other ministers as less important than themselves.  Many of us have followed some of the recent major controversies, and it's good and right to be outraged over these issues.  In the process, though, there are many other people who are slipping through the cracks.  I don't think it's because we don't care.  I think it's because we just don't know.  We don't hear their stories.  They are too "insignificant" in the grand scheme of what's happening. 

I have a friend who recently lost her district license, because a local pastor, who was preparing to leave the church, didn't feel inclined to give her a recommendation for renewal.  She was told that it might be best for her to be a wife and mom in this season of her life...

I have a friend who can't land a ministry position anywhere and who was recently informed that he lacks the necessary theological training.  He is ordained, has a master's degree in theology, and has been a staff pastor for many years...

I have multiple friends who have simply walked away from ministry, and the church at large, because they have been treated so poorly, and yet the abusers continue to "lead" churches...

I have heard that some faith based companies will not hire people who have a large amount of student debt.  That's ironic, since they also want to hire educated people...

Other faith based companies require their employees to earn their own support.  What this amounts to is that employees must fundraise (on top of their other responsibilities, of course) approximately twice as much as their annual salaries.  They pay their own salaries and also the expenses of the organization...  As a side note, this is what our missionaries are doing!

And all the while, some district superintendents cannot even find it within themselves to respond to a voicemail?  I'm sorry, but once three weeks pass, I'm not sure I'd want to work under you even if you did respond!

I might be "soapboxing", today...

I think I'm doing something right in the world, though.  I can't take complete credit for this, but the other day my 14 year old daughter wrote this, about leadership,

"I have learned what it means to lead. It means doing the best thing for everyone, not what you always may want. It means encouraging people and lifting them up, not putting them down and calling them names, implying that they are little and insignificant. That is not leadership. That is bully behavior, putting yourself at the top and standing on top of everyone to get where you want; when in fact, the leader is the one who puts himself/herself at the bottom in order to lift up the others. This is the true meaning of leadership."

I think maybe Jesus was onto something when he spoke about children inheriting the Kingdom.

And so, as I learn from others (as opposed to squelching their enthusiasm), I hope to continue to lead from the shadows.  I hope to be a servant leader and to never, ever use people to elevate myself to something that I am not, to something that I was never intended to be.
 
L.

Full Circle

Expectation: I thought this job was going to be cool.

I never set out to share current stories on this blog, especially on Mondays.  This was supposed to be a place where people could learn from my old experiences.  No kidding.  But this week has been crazy.

Actually, let me expand on that a little bit.  The past three weeks have been crazy.  During that time, my family has participated in the national quiz, Nazarene Youth Conference, Phil's ordination, our last day at our now previous local church, and campmeeting/family camp.  Somehow, I thought it was a bright idea to enroll in Advanced Biblical Exegesis during this summer term, and now that the class is half over, I think I have finally read all of the directions for assignments and found the links to feedback on the nine papers that I have submitted while riding in the van, sitting at hotel desks, and falling asleep on my keyboard, in the kitchen, at two o'clock in the morning.  I'm not complaining.  I love this life.  I just can't figure out what I was thinking when I signed up for all of this.

It started out quite simple, really.  I was reminded of this when one of the adult worship services ended early and I had a few minutes of downtime while I waited for the morning children's camp to get out and Ian to appear.  Phil, Seth, Miah, and I sat down for just a moment in the chapel, and one of the children's workers made a joke about how the last people there were expected to straighten the chairs.  He was kidding, but I know what it is to lead children's ministry, to be exhausted, and to find that when everyone has vacated the building there are still so many tasks to be done.  I told him that we would be happy to straighten the chairs. 

He said, "really?"  We got up and began working on the task. 

I don't know if you know this or not, but if you have someone who wants to volunteer in youth ministry, and there is really nothing for them to do, you ask them to set up the chairs.  It's the job that nobody wants to do.  It's the job that you delegate, even if you are abysmally horrible at delegating.  I mean, no one can really mess up the chairs that badly, can they?  I have set up a lot of chairs in my life. 

Even Miah, who is only five, knew that this was not a lucrative assignment. 

"I don't want to do this, Mommy.  Why are we doing this?"

Well, there's a teachable moment if ever I had one.  So, looking in the face of my preschooler I said, "We're doing this, because it will help the children to worship when they come in tonight".  Miah jumped up and started straightening whole rows of chairs at lightning speed, with a smile on her face.

At first, I thought it would be hard to share this story without seeming prideful.  I have been accused of that in recent days.  But then I considered how ludicrous that sounded.  You can think I'm patting myself on the back if you want, but the truth is that when I stop to think about the fact that I am a woman with multiple degrees, theologically trained, straightening chairs with my baby at a children's camp; there is no pride in that.  There is humility.  We all need humility.  I need humility.

It was a theme of sorts for this week.

As another example, Phil was asked if he could serve as an usher.  Near the end of the week, the volunteer who had asked for his help took a few minutes to ask who he was, where he came from.  As the story came out that Phil is a pastor, the usher recruiting volunteer was slightly horrified, because he tries really hard to not ask pastors to help in this capacity.  Why?  Aren't we called to be servant leaders?  Oh wait, perhaps being an usher is another one of those jobs that we delegate to people who can do nothing else?  Something isn't ringing quite right here.

Well, an ongoing conversation has been happening at our house over the course of the past few months.  We have been looking for the things that only we can do, which is sort of funny in its own right, because there probably isn't really anything that only we can do.  I was reminded of this, again, as I read a blog post, today, about how God's plans for us are much less rigid and individualized than we often realize.  But this is probably another topic for another day.

As we straightened chairs and collected offerings, this week, and then as we sat down at the same Dairy Queen that has been standing on a corner of downtown for all the years we've been here and all the years we've been away; something hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wrote these thoughts down on a napkin, because that's really the only appropriate way to save ideas that come to you over ice cream...

We can do the things that nobody wants to do, and why would we do anything else?  That's it. 

These are not the kinds of things that will lead to power or prestige.  They won't come with paychecks attached or provide any sort of career advancement.  But they are the things that won't get done if we don't do them.  It's not because other people aren't capable.  Let's be real - anyone can straighten chairs or pass a plate (or bucket in this case).  It's because other people are not willing.

Well, I'm willing.  Here I am.  Here we are.  Bring it on.

L.