Everything is Cyclical

As I have struggled to find a rhythm and liturgy that work well for me, I have done some bouncing between the RCL and BCP daily offices.  Upon choosing to return to the BCP, this church year, it took longer than it should have for it to dawn on me that this means I will be studying the same Scriptures, morning to morning, that I studied two years ago… when I also used the BCP… When I started the year off with 48 straight days of posting and then took a moment to consider whether or not I was the best person for the job, as my already precarious world tilted just a little bit too far off its axis.  But I woke up on day 50 and wrote again.

If you’re new to this blog, welcome.  Let me tell you a few quirky things about myself, so we get off on the right foot.

Sometimes people worry that I share too much… that I am an open book.  This is probably because I have chosen to obliterate the filters that often cause us to spin our narratives in such a way that we look more like super heroes than human beings.  If you ever find yourself reading something here and think, “She is so unaware,” please refer back to this paragraph, where I freely admit that I am completely aware of what I am doing.  If you ever stumbled upon the things I write but keep locked away for no other day, you would understand.  Every word… every phrase… is intentional.  This does not imply that I don’t sometimes share more than is comfortable or say things that cross an invisible line in the shifting sand, but when I do; rest assured, I know I’m doing it.

No, there is no need to worry about the amount of information I publish but rather about the vast number of things I do not.  It’s not when I am speaking that you should be concerned but when I am silent.  This is the real gauge of whether or not I am OK...

I fully expect that as I re-navigate these passages, they will cause me to reflect on not so distant, but just out of reach, past interpretations and contexts. 

Let’s start with this:        

Ephesians 4:1, “I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called” (NRSV).

I am the right person for this job… for this being me… because it is exactly that to which I have been called.  And I would imagine if you stop to consider whether or not you are the right person for being you; you will find the same answer I did.  You are.

Two years ago, I was clinging to passages of fear in hopes that my greatest fears would be alleviated by them.  Remember #LessFearIn2016?  It has evolved:

Psalm 34: 4-5, 18, 22, “I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.  Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed… The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit… The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned” (NRSV).

These particular words (among others) reminded me that I am a “now what” kind of person.  They are the rest of the story.  Yesterday’s verses prompted me to remember that I am sought.  Today’s prompt me to remember to seek… and then to act.  For although I once lived in fear… and although I know all too well what it is to be brokenhearted and crushed in spirit… redemption is coming, and redemption is here.  #NoShame #Fearless

 
L.

Small Steps

AKA, that part when I remembered it might be important to read Scripture for my own formation as opposed to (only) ministry… and some other things…  I also remembered some other things…

For years now, I have woken up and checked my phone… my Facebook notifications… my messages… my email…  I have also clicked over to biblegateway.com and read through the daily office… while drinking coffee… often in bed. 

I love social media.  I love how it has leveled the playing field for people like me who don’t have any desire to fight for a platform but who might have something worthwhile to say from time to time.  I love how it allows me to stay connected with everyone I’ve ever met.  If I’m honest, I also love how it validates my greatest joys and biggest fears.  But I’m not sure I love it so much that I want a cold, hard screen to be the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I close my eyes in sleep.

I’m never going to be a proponent of hands free living.  Even in the midst of wondering what a life less directed by social media might look like; I set up new accounts—more of them!  But I am also serious about discerning which blocks of my time should belong to the Internet and which should… not…

Shameless plugs, you can now follow me on Twitter: l_michaels_2018 and on Instagram: lisaannemichaels

So I did some weird stuff…

I ordered a new hard copy Bible, because I want to read the daily office for the sole purpose of reading the daily office, before I ever begin to type whatever insights it brings to me for this blog.  I want to mark it up with all kinds of messy color spurting from pens and highlighters and leaving globs of ink in places I intended and in places I did not.  I want to look back over it all at the end of the year and see what things God speaks into my heart for this time and place.  And because Amazon Prime is getting slower… and because almost every page of Scripture I own is at the office as opposed to in my bedroom (and I’m on vacation)… and because the family Bible—yellowed, seriously turning to dust, and translated KJV was the only option I had at my fingertips, this morning; I hefted it into my arms and ended up with a pretty good memory of my heritage.  I loved this, but I do still hope a mail truck appears soon…

I also pulled out an alarm clock…  you know, one of those contraptions that has a clock and some buttons and forces you to wake up at a specific time without also reminding you of messages that should be answered, calls that must be made, and pictures of midnight snacks three of your on-line friends ate just hours ago.  Because here’s the truth:  I wake up to check the time at often very regular intervals, all night long, and when I do this, I also tend to check in on the virtual world.  But unless you’re in the midst of an emergency, I actually don’t need to know what you’re doing at 3am…  In fact, why are you still up?  The alarm clock is going to solve this issue for me, at least in theory, because it will allow me to turn off my phone when I go to bed and still arrive where I belong the following morning!

These are small steps to healthier rhythms.  And that’s what I have the energy for right now…  small steps…

L.

Late Night Personal Reflections About Coffee

I've mentioned it before, but I was not a coffee drinker until last fall.  Sure, I had the occasional ghetto mocha (mostly hot chocolate)... and a gas station frappuccino here and there... and there was the seriously rare trip through the McDs drive-thru when the only other choice was falling asleep at the wheel and risking the lives of my children.  In the interest of full disclosure, there was also this one moment near the end of my studies for my BSM when my friend Mel brought an enormous mug of coffee to my back door, in the middle of the night, because I begged someone to do so... on social media... publicly!  My first thirty-six years were spent mostly coffee-free, though, and then I woke up one September morning in Portland and decided that was going to change.

Interestingly, this opened all kinds of doors, because people like to go out for coffee.  Even more interestingly, almost no one I go out with actually drinks coffee.  So we make coffee dates, and they drink their tea... or their healthy green stuff that I probably would have loved during the whole organic phase that I should really return to... or hot chocolate... or frozen confections that look more like ice cream.  And I sit there and drink coffee and wonder why we didn't get together until I was a coffee drinker, because apparently anything would have sufficed.

It's been a little over nine months now, and the truth is I want my cup of coffee every morning.  I wouldn't say I'm addicted, and I don't really want just any coffee.  If I find myself somewhere without good options, I just drink water... you know... like I used to.  But I have come to like the precise moment when I am about halfway through a cup and I look down, take a deep breath, and realize that there is life flowing through my veins.  Or caffeine.  It might be caffeine.  But we'll call it life for the purpose of this post.  Drinking coffee has changed my rhythms.

There are other things that have changed since September, too.

I've had quite a few moments in my life when I've stopped to re-evaluate where I am... what I'm doing... who I am... if I like myself... if it matters...  Heck, I've done some of that right here, on the pages of this blog, right out in the open for everyone to see.  It hasn't always been pretty, but it's real, so whatever. 

 
I may have shared, before, a quote from Donald Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, " The human body essentially recreates itself every six months. Nearly every cell of hair and skin and bone dies and another is directed to its former place. You are not who you were" (67) six months ago.  Or nine months ago.  Or last year.   

I'm sure not.  The last nine have been something of a challenge, but I guess that's normal.  There are things I wish I'd never done and things I'd change and others that I would leave exactly as they were, even if I could have the moment back.  That's the thing about life, though.  We don't get the moments back.  Ever. 

I wonder who I'll be six months from now.  For the first time in awhile, I think I really care... 

L.

People Pleasing

Galatians 1:10, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ" (NIV).

Well, there's nothing like Scripture to smack you in the face first thing in the morning.

If you don't know me (or my family) personally, you have no idea how many times I have heard this verse quoted over the past nine months.  Thank you quiz world.  You see, Galatians 1:10 is the first memory verse in this year's quiz material.  My oldest three children have it memorized.  Many of their friends have it memorized.  Dozens of times, I have sat behind a table and announced, "Question number 11 is a quote question, question number 11 coming, question.  Quote Galatians, Chapter 1, Verse 10." 

An entire school year has passed, and it was not until this reading that it occurred to me that this verse is speaking to me.  I suppose this might be further proof that Scripture is, indeed, a collection of living words and that there is great value in reading (and hearing) the same things over and over again, even ad nauseam...   

The truth is, I don't want this Scripture to speak to me.  Seriously, has this ship not sailed?

But also, this quote:

"At least one day in every seven... Stay home, not because you are sick but because you are well.  Talk someone you love into being well with you.  Take a nap, a walk, an hour for lunch.  Test the premise that you are worth more than you can produce - that even if you spent one whole day of being good for nothing you would still be precious in God's sight.  And when you get anxious because you are convinced that this is not so - remember that your conviction is not required.  This is a commandment.  Your worth has already been established..." -Barbara Brown Taylor

This is really difficult for me.  I have come to measure my days by how productive I have been, and I compete with myself on a regular basis to do more... to be more.  I hate to disappoint to a degree that it has become an unhealthy driving force.  I thought I had kicked it some years back.  Apparently old habits die hard.

But I know what it is to have healthy rhythms.  I have lived this chapter before.  Interestingly, when I put myself in the best position to please God, I often find that the people I love are happiest, as well. 

I Kings 18:21b, “How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him..." (NIV).

Following...

L.

We Don't Talk Enough

Psalm 32:3-5, "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.  For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.   Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.  I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.'  And you forgave the guilt of my sin" (NIV).

Sometimes life is ridiculously confusing.

I just wrote about talking too much.  And here I am reading about the importance of breaking the silence.  Maybe it's not so much that we speak excessively.  Maybe it's that we don't say the right things...

I have never been very good at adapting to rising temperatures.  Sure, I whine and complain about the feet upon feet of Michigan snowfall during the winter, but let's be real - it's mostly because I hate shoes.  In my ideal world, it would be about 65 degrees every single day, but the truth is, I will always take a good blizzard over sweltering, oppressive heat.  Always. 

And it's been hot lately.

When I read that line, "My strength was sapped as in the heat of summer," it resonated. 

I am exhausted.

But this has caused me to wonder, am I feeling this way because the hand of the Lord is heavy on me?  I wouldn't have phrased it this way until this morning.  To be fair, I think my life, right now, could be described as an extenuating circumstance.  Quite seriously.  The whole thing.  I do, indeed, thrive in fast paced, multitasking, arduous conditions that are marked by planning and deadlines and maybe an adrenaline spike here and there.  It's just who I am. 

But there was this moment, a few days ago, when I realized that I need to be in Ohio next Friday... and Illinois next Saturday... and Indiana next Sunday.  In my original plan, I was then going to drive across the country to the Pacific Ocean only to return to Michigan just in time to drop off my two youngest children with Grandma and Grandpa before turning around and driving to Oklahoma for a week, followed by 10 days off, a conference, a week of vocational training, family camp, a second week of training, 12 days off, a weekend trip with the extended family, and the start of my final term for this degree.

I cancelled the road trip west, but the truth is, friends; I'm still trying to make it work, in my head.  As I read over the preceding paragraph, I honestly thought to myself, "There are 22 days on which I have nothing scheduled.  Maybe I can make this happen, after all."

And I think I could, if I didn't also hope to earn As in my two summer classes (which is seriously questionable at this point) and learn German... and French... and maybe Greek or Hebrew... and write a 20 page research paper for the purposes of applying for a doctoral program... and purchase and begin renovations on the building we've been looking at for Via Illuminate.

What am I not saying? 

Apparently way too much, because this is the summer schedule of someone who is hiding... ignoring... chasing... something.

I'd like to say I've worn myself thin, but I think I'm actually wearing myself out.

I know exactly what lies at the root of this, for me.

I am struggling... quite deeply... again... with a "not good enough" complex.  You have no idea how much I wish I could just cut the crap and kick it forever.  I honestly have no idea what that's going to take.

Confession?  Hey, God, is that your hand?  Because this heat?  I'm sapped...

 
L.