tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58635800448988213862024-03-05T04:41:11.322-05:00Flip Flops, Glitter, and TheologyL.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00106478277540160841noreply@blogger.comBlogger324125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-10405516546857766172022-12-19T11:17:00.000-05:002022-12-19T11:17:17.500-05:00On Oil Changes...<p>
</p><p class="MsoNormal">I had every intention of working on a chapter of my dissertation,
this morning… at the Dodge dealership… while I had my oil changed…. If you know
me, it probably makes sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truth
is, I <i>need </i>to work on my dissertation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I need to be “Ph.inisheD.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
probably shouldn’t admit this, but the thing has pretty much been writing
itself in bits and pieces I have texted <i>to my own phone number</i> over the
course of several months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s just
ridiculous, and it is not my obsessively organized with lists and plans and
charts and slideshows way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s kind of
how I imagine my academic life might have been, had I been an <i>average</i>
student.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m not sure I’ve ever been
an average <i>anything</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m used to
being pretty much all in or all out, so writing the defining piece of my
educational career in soundbites is actually fairly anxiety inducing, but that’s
where I am today.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As has been the case time and time again in recent days,
sometimes I start out to write one thing and then just find myself overwhelmed
with thoughts of Seth… and grief… and whatever I was planning to write is
overrun by an internal dialogue that may or may not be transformed into a
mosaic of unrelated thoughts on a page.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There was a time in my life when this would have turned into a great blog
post or sermon or magazine article or chapter in a book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the past fifteen months and fifteen
days, though, it’s just been words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not
even full sentences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grief is certainly
not publishable.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is the third time I have sat in the café at the Dodge
dealership to have my oil changed, since Seth died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first time was hard, because I knew they
were draining the very substance that kept my car running smoothly enough to
drop him off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish my car had died
instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The second time I was angry,
because it felt downright stupid that I hadn’t heard Seth’s voice in so many
months that the oil had to be changed again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today it just feels unacceptable that this will happen over… and over…
and over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s too much time
without him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just too much.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The very idea that time heals grief is a lie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we painfully limped across the one-year mark
in September, a number of well-meaning people dared to ask things like, “Are
you doing better?” I’m not, so mostly I just said, “No.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But there was something else I told a select few… people I
love and trust… and I think today is as good a day as any to share it here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the question is, “Are you OK, now,” the
answer to that is never going to change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am never really going to be OK again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But if the question is, “Are you still on the floor, pounding your fists
into the hardwood and screaming until your throat is filled with blood and you
can no longer speak?” the answer is also, “No.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I got up off the floor. I am not doing better, but I have developed
coping mechanisms so I can keep living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
suspect I’m good enough at it now that most people probably <i>think</i> I’m OK,
and that’s a plus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m functional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For now, that has to be enough.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As you may know, last night was the first night of
Hanukkah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Traditionally, my favorite
Hanukkah blessing is the third blessing, which is only sung on the first night,
“Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who has granted us life,
sustained us, and enabled us to reach this occasion.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could barely choke it out last year,
because I was furious with God for not sustaining Seth’s life or enabling him
to reach that occasion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still
regularly asking God where he was when we needed him most, and I’m still
angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God can take it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But last night also hit differently, because
as we sang and danced and ate jelly donuts and latkes with our Jewish neighbors,
I could sing the blessing again, because I <i>am</i> thankful for those of us God has
sustained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I know… I know it deep
inside myself… that this attitude probably really <i>isn’t</i> enough, but I am
nothing if not honest.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so I’m thinking about another kind of oil today… the oil
that burned for eight nights of Hanukkah and Elisha’s oil that filled every
empty vessel in II Kings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m thinking
about how sometimes not enough becomes exactly what we need it to be, and I’m
hoping it’s true.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">L.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
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{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-82276876706788486192021-06-26T07:27:00.006-04:002021-06-26T09:39:46.046-04:00Apology vs. Explanation<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I feel the need
to preface this, because confession/penance/forgiveness/apologies/reconciliation
(need I go on) are ever-changing, fluid topics of research and conversation for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I pause to write this very
non-academic post, I am concurrently working on the prospectus for my
dissertation, which will also delve into this topic, because it just will not
let me go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m not coming at this
from the perspective of an aspiring expert today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I’m coming at it from the perspective of
a fairly exhausted mama of tweens, teens, and young adults, the morning after
the National Quiz, with a new puppy sleeping near my feet, even though he won’t
let <i>me</i> sleep any longer, on this Saturday morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re looking for some of my best
theological writing, please (I reiterate, please) go look somewhere else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">But also… as I began to put this piece
together in my mind, it occurred to me that judgments could easily be made
about my positions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things like, “This
doesn’t sound like the Lisa I knew in 1987 or, “L, I don’t think that’s what
you would have said in 2015,” or, “Mom, this doesn’t square with who you were
last year.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, thank goodness!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the beautiful things about being human
is we have the ability to change and adapt and grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s to hoping that change is for the
better.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">Something I
have been thinking about a lot, lately (in the past week but also over the past
several years) is the way we are so often “sorry.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I ate
the last cookie.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I can’t
come in to work today.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry your
feelings were hurt when you didn’t understand what I said.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry you
feel that way, at all.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
feel this way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
stepped on your toe.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
yelled at you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry for
what I said when I yelled at you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
ever met you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry your
mom died.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I can’t
help.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I’m
taking up so much space.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">The list goes
on… and on… and on… and it is already nuanced before we say another single
word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yet, we often say the next
word anyway, to clarify… to explain… to soften the blow… because we can’t shut
up… for whatever reason.
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I ate
the last cookie, BUT you had more than me yesterday.
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I can’t
come in to work today, BUT I’m sick.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry your
feelings were hurt when you didn’t understand what I said, BUT it’s not my
fault.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry you
feel that way, at all, BUT I’m not willing to help you process your thoughts.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
feel this way, BUT I can’t help it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
stepped on your toe, BUT you were in my direct path.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
yelled at you, BUT you wouldn’t listen any other way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry for
what I said when I yelled at you, BUT it was true.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
ever met you, BUT let’s just part ways now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry your
mom died, BUT at least her suffering is over.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I can’t
help, BUT it’s just a bad time right now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I’m
taking up so much space, BUT my ideas are really important.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As relational
beings, we have this unsatiable desire to explain our behavior, and there are
certainly times when an explanation is appropriate and certainly <b>times when
an explanation is <i>more </i>appropriate than an apology</b>… especially if we
are not actually sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not all the
statements above are conducive to this kind of restructuring, but some are:
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I ate the last
cookie, because I thought it was fair, since you had more than me yesterday.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">(I am not
actually sorry I ate the last cookie, so this is a more honest admission of
what happened.) </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I am sick, so I
will not be coming in to work today.
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">(If you love
your job, this may be regrettable, but you are still probably not <i>sorry</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps you are sad or frustrated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being sick and subsequently taking care of
your health is not something for which to apologize. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>#EndTheRatRace) <br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I stepped on
your toe!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you OK?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would you like me to get an ice pack for you?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">(I acknowledge
that I caused pain, even if it was an accident, and would like to make it right
if I can.) </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">The <b>things
that do not require an explanation (or apology)</b> often fall into one of two
categories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> <br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Things I
said, did, or felt that did not cause harm to others but for which I am being
held accountable unfairly:</b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">My feelings are
legitimate.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">My voice at the
table matters.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;"> </p><b>Things I
didn’t do (and in which I am in no way complicit):</b>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">Enduring the
death of a loved one is so hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please
let me know what I can do for you (or even better, I’m sending dinner over on
Tuesday, or I’ll be there to do your dishes this weekend, or I’m here to listen).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a caveat, I realize it is the norm in the
English language, in the United States, to say “I’m sorry” when someone
dies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I certainly do this myself, all
the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think the word “sorry” in
this case actually means something completely different, and it is
appropriate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It means, “I mourn with
you,” but I recognize a lot of people would find it very odd if we actually
said, “I mourn with you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to
take the temperature of the room and do the best you can to find the most comforting
words when dealing with grief, and that is a completely different conversation
for another day, I suppose.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">But what about <b>the
things for which we should actually <i>be</i> sorry</b>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think this is the trickiest part of all,
and I think the best thing to do is to keep it simple and focused on our own
culpability and legitimate sorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b>When
we know precisely what we have done wrong</b>, that looks like: <br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry I
hurt you when I did not communicate clearly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">(puts
responsibility on the person who did the hurting, not the one who was hurt)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry for
the hurtful words I said.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">(also, I’m
sorry for the hurtful thing I did… and if you know what that thing was, name
it) <br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Sometimes,
we don’t know exactly what we did:</b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m sorry for the
ways in which I have hurt you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">(If you desire
an ongoing relationship, you might also follow this with something like, “I
would love to sit down on your terms in order to listen to your narrative and
to find a better way to communicate/relate moving forward, if that is something
you would like.”)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">There is also
something (maybe a lot of “somethings”) very important to be said about
reconciliation, and it begins with acknowledging that sometimes it cannot
happen (maybe you’re legitimately sorry for something that happened years ago
but the other party is no longer alive or you cannot find them) or will not
happen (the other party has moved on or is not willing to engage in the hard
work of reconciliation either because they have been hurt too deeply or they have
their own guilt/shame over being partly responsible and are not as sorry as you
are) or should not happen (particularly if it could put either party in danger).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I sincerely believe that if two (or more)
parties are willing to reconcile, it can be done, and I also believe it is
possible for this to happen over the whole spectrum of relationships, from
one-on-one personal connections all the way down the line to tangible systemic
change (which is another one of those subjects that deserves a post,
conversation, book, or entire library of its own). <br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I also believe
that all of this starts with honesty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
I already mentioned, apologies (like pretty much all language) are nuanced the
moment the words begin to form on our lips.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Be clear about yours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be real
about whether you are issuing an apology or an explanation and be honest and
specific about what you are sorry for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is a huge distinction between being sorry for what you have done,
being sorry for the consequences (including the hurt of others), and being
sorry you got caught.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are three
very different things, and it is OK… even ethical… to verbalize which kind of sorry
you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I recently saw a
statement which (paraphrased) said something to the effect of, “unless there is
a change in actions, there is no apology.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think this is partially true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you are sorry for something you have said or done, the natural
progression of things would indicate that you would no longer do or say those
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there are times when we make
choices that have hurtful consequences regardless of what we choose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may be legitimately sorry for the harm
caused to others knowing full well that we would make the same decision again,
given the opportunity for a do-over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
can be honest about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think we
have to be honest about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are
other times when we can be part of making changes that create a more loving,
equitable world, even if we were not directly culpable for the offense at the
onset.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know if we can be sorry about
the consequences of other people’s actions, but I do know we can work to find
remedies in order to stop the perpetuation of those consequences!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whew!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know, I know, it’s hard enough to take responsibility for the stuff we’ve
actually done, but as long as we’re thinking along these lines, we might as
well go all the way!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that third one…
if you’re really just sorry you got caught… maybe you should stop being
sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe you did exactly what you
intended to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And maybe that’s even
OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Undoubtedly, it’s better to own it
than to fake it <br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">L. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-46495612847459854332021-06-14T10:00:00.005-04:002021-06-14T10:00:50.317-04:00Pushing Shopping Carts…<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->… and other ordinary things I’ve missed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I woke up this morning strangely aware that we had entered
into “ordinary days” three weeks ago, but things don’t feel ordinary just yet,
and I’m not certain they ever will again, and maybe they shouldn't.<a href="#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, there are some pre-pandemic things I am
looking forward to reclaiming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Some of the things I have missed are so obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As an example, I eagerly anticipate the day
when we can celebrate the Eucharist by means of intinction again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suspect we’re still a <i>long</i> way from
that day, but I can still hope for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can’t wait to <i>go</i> to work again, although I have been privileged and
blessed to have had no interruption to my job or paycheck for the duration of
the pandemic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently took an 830-mile
trip and was able to hug my parents for the first time in 18 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have missed travel… and people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This feels like “the big stuff.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But I am also discovering these little things I didn’t even
know I missed…</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This past week, I needed something from the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Full disclosure: I needed tick repellent for
my new puppy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And oh…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>this puppy is a story all his own, but if I
digress we might never get back to the point of this post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As has become my norm, I looked for the best
option to order what I needed, online.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
I quickly realized I couldn’t wait a week for delivery, I did the next best
thing and looked for the fastest no contact pick-up option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could order and relieve my puppy of these
beastly parasites in six hours instead of seven days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then it hit me…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am fully
vaccinated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could also just drive to
the store, go inside, and make my purchase right away!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To this point, I had been inside a store exactly seven times
in the past fifteen months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Four of
these were pharmacy related.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I had
to use the bathroom and was too far from home to get there (and please
understand that I had driven 30 minutes out of my way at other times to go home
to use the bathroom).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Admittedly, the other
two times I gave in to secure my free birthday socks at Kohl’s and to grab the
one thing I could not order (3 packages of Kool-Aid, I kid you not, especially
funny for a family that does not drink Kool-Aid) for a Christmas gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Seven times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go in… get the
products… get out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No carts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No browsing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A couple of panic attacks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But this time, I took a cart.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As someone who studies liturgy and ritual, it should not
have surprised me that this small action packed such a punch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first cart I attempted to take was so
stuck inside another cart that I couldn’t manage to free it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I rolled my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The second cart came loose without
effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wrapped my (gloved) hands
around the bar, pushed it through the door, smiled (through my mask) and waved
at the greeter, and felt completely overwhelmed for just a minute about the
normalcy of it all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Two emotions simultaneously erupted inside of me – relief and
regret.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I immediately relaxed at the prospect of reclaiming some
normalcy in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And look… I recognize
that this doesn’t even seem that great to a lot of people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I finally became eligible for a Covid-19
vaccine in my state, I mentioned to someone that I was excited about being able
to “get my life back,” and the response was that the vaccine wouldn’t allow anyone
to get their lives back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We would still
have to mask and social distance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
for a severe asthmatic who has been largely stuck inside her house or vehicle
for over a year, pushing a shopping cart (mask or no mask), without worrying I
might end up on a ventilator later, feels like getting my life back.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The competing regret kept me in check, though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can go to the store again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have I used this time at home wisely?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will we all forget the slower pace and the days,
weeks, and months clad in suit tops and sweatpants, which allowed us to attend
to our kids and our pets between meetings?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Will we continue to look for ways to include people who cannot come to
us for worship or classes or lunch?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Things are going to change again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They always do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good number of our regular rhythms and
patterns that have been interrupted are going to become our reality again, and
we are going to love it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet it feels
like a good day to consider to which of these things we actually want to return
and from which of these things we might permanently part, for our own sakes but
also for the sake of the people around us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We don’t have to go back to the way things were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We probably shouldn’t!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">L. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;"><hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a>
I am well aware the ordinary days are more about being “ordered” than “usual,”
but I love a good double-entendre…</p>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-6293250313782142942020-12-31T11:59:00.004-05:002020-12-31T12:41:43.763-05:00Narrator: L was not, in fact, done, and she and God were not, in fact, through…<p class="MsoNormal">We’re closing in on three years since I sat in my vehicle,
in my driveway in Indiana, and uttered these words to God, as I made the final
decision to make the move to Boston:
</p><p class="MsoNormal">“Fine God!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will go
do this thing, but if I lose my kids over this, I’m done, and we are through.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2020 has been a dumpster fire of a year… maybe even a
cesspool…</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It is difficult for me to adequately express how devastating
this year has been for me, primarily because even though it has been horrific,
I know it has still been worse for others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I’m not a real fan of competing to determine whose pain is greatest,
and I think it is vital to recognize grief and loss for what they are,
regardless of quantifiable size.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, if
you’re reading this (and I guess you are), please understand that I fully
recognize my own experience as nothing more or nothing less than merely that…
my own… neither in direct nor indirect competition with your pain.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Confession: I was already over 2020 by late February.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without divulging details, let it suffice to
say that people who know and love me were already looking into my face, eight
weeks into this mess, and saying things like, “I’m sorry. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how you’re still standing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In another two weeks’ time, I would find
myself staring through exhausted, blurred vision, waiting for my luggage to
magically appear on an airport carousel, wondering if it had been incredibly
stupid to pass through 8 cities via air, over 16 days, when reports of a deadly
virus were emerging and growing by the hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Five days later, I threw in the towel on my youngest child’s indoor
soccer season, even though some people thought I was being overly dramatic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two days after that, I stood in a pulpit, not
knowing that it would be the last time for an undisclosed number of months,
instructing people to distance themselves and to refrain from remembering their
baptism… at least, with the water in the font.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I walked back into my house, I shut the door, and I proceeded to have zero
contact with the outside world for the next 32 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On day 32, I had to make an emergency visit
to the police station.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On day 55, a dear
friend of mine sent me a package of handmade masks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On day 68, I had enough guts to drive thru at
Starbucks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On day 70 I ventured out for
an “elective” surgery that had fallen off the books, precisely because of the
pandemic, but that my doctor was able to essentially sneak me in for, because
the word elective is pretty widely used to describe things that are not really
elective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stayed home again until day
107.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s not that I got lazy after
that, but it was a little easier to be creative during the summer months, and
the curve was flattening here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So… socially
distanced trips to the beach… running, and running, and running… plenty of
carry out and drive-thrus… orders to pick up outside the store… etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We also had to engage in some of the regular rhythms
of life like yearly physicals and a trip to the ophthalmologist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I stopped counting the days, because
this became the new normal.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m a pretty big fan of New Year’s Eve, in a quiet, stay at
home and eat appetizers and watch the ball drop with my family sort of
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For years now, I have picked a word
of the year, and I was so excited 366 days ago (remember, 2020 was a leap year,
so we even got an extra day in this already unbearably long trip around the
sun) when I chose “envision.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only
did this word represent what I hoped for in 2020, but I thought it rather
clever, as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this writing, 2020
is almost hindsight…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>read that again,
backwards…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and I feel as if “envision”
was the most inappropriate word I could possibly have chosen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Survive” was more like it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I took this picture, I just didn’t know:</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz2rArg_UOkrp4eqdhQFsom0DzzEmXA_sY0JiNN5maXOpDDulCvPXYogbqAb7J2VK3KkZUNsOArDozvsNXb5y4nrmZuWSgex9LS6LnRh7O6xpuXdT3_Kp9YmyS8n2qu0dguJNwGq42lXA/s2048/2020-01-01_00-03-43_941.heic" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1539" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz2rArg_UOkrp4eqdhQFsom0DzzEmXA_sY0JiNN5maXOpDDulCvPXYogbqAb7J2VK3KkZUNsOArDozvsNXb5y4nrmZuWSgex9LS6LnRh7O6xpuXdT3_Kp9YmyS8n2qu0dguJNwGq42lXA/s320/2020-01-01_00-03-43_941.heic" width="320" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">I didn’t know a lot of things, but I sure didn’t know this low
quality, cell phone selfie type image was going to become one of my favorite
moments of all time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know it
was going to be a before/after marker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
didn’t know I was going to revisit that ultimatum to God, this year, and I was
going to have to make a decision about whether or not I meant it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was it a faith crisis?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An identity crisis?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It didn’t feel like the deconstruction of my 20s or the reinvention of
my 30s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, it was a more subtle
question, posed largely to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I
going to do this thing called life with God or without God?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the end, I decided with God is
better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Understated, I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just that so much of this year has been
melodramatic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe we all just need
something steady.
</p><p class="MsoNormal">Because I remain a hopeless random selfie taker (one year I
even made a resolution to take less selfies, but it didn’t go well), in my
quick photo flip through the year, I came across one from early September that
I like a great deal (there are also countless terrible selfies that should just
be deleted and a large number of sad ones).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I hope to greet the new year with the tenacity of this arbitrary shot,
with the fire in my eyes and the fire in my bones it represents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My word for 2021 is “RELENTLESS.” Because somebody poked the bear, and I am in this to win it.<br /></p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVRsWeISWqU4NXPQe4EgDOgC5Xsb6YDm4MJ9x_K9ubJVd3JQH8Sr_pIWYtRj3rE3ZmssC9CaW8FDt9SP7RdqyWahJO6sa0kIeAu2RxNFRTOmSdU-jpQgnchQBPINXFmYZ61X3W5a7CQYI/s315/118855546_10157652529656009_5904395195362519445_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="315" data-original-width="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVRsWeISWqU4NXPQe4EgDOgC5Xsb6YDm4MJ9x_K9ubJVd3JQH8Sr_pIWYtRj3rE3ZmssC9CaW8FDt9SP7RdqyWahJO6sa0kIeAu2RxNFRTOmSdU-jpQgnchQBPINXFmYZ61X3W5a7CQYI/s0/118855546_10157652529656009_5904395195362519445_o.jpg" /></a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In no way do I wish to detract from the need for mourning
over the loss, grief, and pain of 2020, but neither do I wish to rehash it all
in a public forum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heaven knows I have
sat with it in silence and solitude, and that is crushing enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recognize that turning the page to a new
calendar year is not a magical act, and I suspect that 2021 will carry with it
both joy and sorrow, as most years do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
is, perhaps, the greatest example of this, a dear friend of mine gave birth
during this pandemic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the course of
our many texts, this year, I have sometimes exclaimed, “2020 sucked… except
Joseph…”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her response is always, “2020
mostly sucked.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this makes the point… there have been highlights…
</div><p class="MsoNormal">And so, a highlight reel…</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In 2020, I reached the halfway point of my Ph.D. program at
Boston University.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bought a
vehicle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His name is Fred.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I ran several virtual 5Ks, including The Wizard Run (with Seth, Grace
(via FaceTime), and Caleb) and the Donut Run (with Ian), as well as a 10K that only
almost killed me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I co-taught a
preaching class in BU’s D.Min. program and a worship class in BU’s M.Div.
program and facilitated a spiritual companioning group for mostly 1<sup>st</sup>
year M.Div. students.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I enjoyed weekly
trips to ENC and the ocean to visit Seth, who absolutely slayed his first
semester there, and to write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many
donuts, pizzas, coffees, and grocery runs were involved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I celebrated my oldest three children
beginning to make their way into the workforce (Seth at Amazon; Grace at Kroger,
along with a variety of music related positions at Olivet and the most recent
announcement of her commissioning to write an entire musical; Caleb at Dunkin’
Donuts).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the privilege of
participating in the mostly virtual, but occasionally in-person, worship
gatherings of South Walpole UMC, where Phil has navigated pastoring in a
pandemic in incredible ways, and where Caleb, Ian, and Miah have served weekly
as tech support, ushers, and acolytes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
had a chapter published in the book, Open and Relational Leadership: Leading
with Love, and have been asked to write again for an upcoming project.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was asked to serve on the NRSVue review team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took on responsibilities as a co-chair for
Wesleyan Liturgical Society and as the chair for Theology and Education with
Wesleyan Theological Society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Flip
Flops, Glitter, and Theology quietly flipped over 100,000 pageviews at some
point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have had ample time to read fiction
with Caleb, Ian, and Miah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
coached Caleb, Ian, and Miah, along with their teammates, at a number of virtual
Bible Quizzing tournaments, where we have represented South Pole (locally) and
the New England District, as we continue to be blessed to be a part of the ENC Field.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have met with friends and colleagues
(masked and socially distanced) in parking lots and at parks to celebrate new
babies and completing semesters. I helped my parents to set up Zoom on their
Kindle (this might be the biggest accomplishment yet).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am still here.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It's a different kind of mining of joyful moments than ever
before, to be sure, but if we dig deep, we can still find them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My prayer for all of you is that the joy will outweigh the
sorrow in 2021, but that even if it doesn’t, that there will be people to sit
with you and to hold you and to love you well, because we still belong to each
other.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With Much Love and Many Blessings,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">L.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">P.S.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you haven’t
already seen it, here is our belated Christmas greeting:</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiRGa2sYFuwD4R6aEswCDGFh7kGBeX1dOxVF3DNbDtUafMeEZcihCKQbxCFoLgsa3ifTY1DbXrYxD6cjyTzd9goD00gtDi5F-LD1FJcPfsvCwRrR19308x0yuoYs2rIdWMK4S58a8SM0M/s1463/11a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="827" data-original-width="1463" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiRGa2sYFuwD4R6aEswCDGFh7kGBeX1dOxVF3DNbDtUafMeEZcihCKQbxCFoLgsa3ifTY1DbXrYxD6cjyTzd9goD00gtDi5F-LD1FJcPfsvCwRrR19308x0yuoYs2rIdWMK4S58a8SM0M/w404-h228/11a.jpg" width="404" /></a></div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-85435837445569282202020-12-13T13:46:00.002-05:002020-12-13T17:14:24.919-05:00Mary, Did You Know?<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Full
disclosure: I have a higher opinion of Mary than most Protestants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so, it is with a bit of trepidation that
I entered into this piece.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have things
to say, but first, let’s let Mary’s words speak (or sing) to us:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Luke 1:46-55,
New Revised Standard Version: </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mary’s Song
of Praise<span style="mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“<sup>46 </sup>And Mary<sup> </sup>said,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘My soul magnifies the Lord,<br />
<sup>47 </sup> and my spirit rejoices in God my
Savior,<br />
<sup>48 </sup>for he has looked with favor on the lowliness of his
servant.<br />
Surely, from now on all generations will call me
blessed;<br />
<sup>49 </sup>for the Mighty One has done great things for me,<br />
and holy is his name.<br />
<sup>50 </sup>His mercy is for those who fear him<br />
from generation to generation.<br />
<sup>51 </sup>He has shown strength with his arm;<br />
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their
hearts.<br />
<sup>52 </sup>He has brought down the powerful from their thrones,<br />
and lifted up the lowly;<br />
<sup>53 </sup>he has filled the hungry with good things,<br />
and sent the rich away empty.<br />
<sup>54 </sup>He has helped his servant Israel,<br />
in remembrance of his mercy,<br />
<sup>55 </sup>according to the promise he made to our ancestors,<br />
to Abraham and to his descendants forever.’”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This Advent season, I have noticed an extraordinarily high
number of complains rising against the classic (sort of) Christmas song, “Mary,
Did You Know,” penned by Mark Lowry (lyrics) and Buddy Green (music) and
originally released by Michael English on his self-titled album in 1991.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know if almost 30 years is enough to
make something a classic, but I digress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The question seems to be, did Mark and Michael mansplain Mary, and, if
so, what should we do about it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After
taking a careful look at the lyrics (which I probably could have quoted, but I
wanted to cover all the bases), I decided it’s about a 50/50 wash.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, Mary knew some of that stuff, and she didn’t
know some of it, and maybe the question was rhetorical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At any rate, I don’t think the song was
intentionally degrading, and I’m probably going to go ahead and keep it in the
rotation (but maybe the Pentatonix version).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m thankful for the controversy, though, because it caused me to think
deeply about Mary… her knowledge… her faith… and her heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that’s really what this post is about.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I love the Magnificat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I love to read it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love to
preach it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, I just love that it
exists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love young, faith-filled,
faithful Mary, who consents to carry the incarnate, embodied child of God in
her uterus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, when the songwriter
asks, Mary, did you know “when you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of
God,” I think the answer is abundantly clear…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>yes, yes, and yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But if we were to ask, Mary, did you know this kid was going
to disappear in the temple at age 12, I think the answer shifts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Y’all cannot tell me that she foreknew Jesus
would be briefly misplaced, and, frankly, I’m not going to buy it if you
suggest she wasn’t panicked and maybe a little bit pissed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have ever lost a child on a trip, you
know full well how the reunion goes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
are a blubbering mess, tears streaming down your face, because you are certain
your kid has been abducted and you will never see him again, and you are
certain you are the worst parent who has ever lived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then when you do see that little face,
all the relief and emotions come out in a tight hug and a lecture about how he
had better never, not ever, disappear from at least your peripheral vision,
really… ever… again!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it doesn’t
actually end when your children become adults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s the reason for the requested text at the end of the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please… please just push a few buttons, so I know
you’re alive and I can get some sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because the panic of not being able to physically see them doesn’t fade.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When the songwriter asks, “Mary did you know that your baby
boy would save our sons and daughters,” I think the answer, with the
understanding that Mary certainly knew the Messiah was kicking her just beneath
the ribs, is abundantly clear… yes, yes, and yes.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But if we were to ask, Mary, did you know the savior of the
world was going to have an attitude… at age thirty… when you asked him to replace
some water with some wine, I think she might have balked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For real?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you do with
this kid, who’s like, “Mom… that’s really not what I’m supposed to be doing
right now… at least not quite yet.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
like that Jesus relents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like that his
first miracle takes place, not because he planned it that way, but because his
Mama asked him to do something, and even though he didn’t really feel like it,
he acquiesced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s one for the books!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mary, did you know about the miraculous
healings and all the ways in which they would take place?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe not… but she sure knew she taught that
kid to set the table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then he did…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>over, and over, and over again…</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It gets a little trickier after that, because like many of
the Jewish people awaiting Messiah, Mary most certainly did not know what it
meant for her child to be the lamb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Recently, I’ve re-read and re-watched some movies and
stories and found myself in different characters than usual, so perhaps I
shouldn’t have been surprised when Matthew 12:46-50 hit me a little different
the other day:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“<sup>46 </sup>While Jesus was
still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to
speak to him. <sup>47 </sup>Someone told him, ‘Your mother and brothers
are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.’ <sup>48 </sup>He replied
to him, ‘Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?’ <sup>49 </sup>Pointing
to his disciples, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers. <sup>50 </sup>For
whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and
mother.’”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It's usually one of those “Yay Jesus”
moments or one of those “Yay disciples” moments, but as I read this, most
recently, it cut deep as I thought about Mary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i>Who is my mother?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whoever does
the will of my Father in heaven is my… mother?</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Incredulous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For, who might that be more than Mary, herself?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Point taken, family is indeed <i>more</i>
than just flesh and blood (maybe Jesus even represents this very best), but I
cannot get around this paragraph.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d
like to say I cannot even imagine how Mary felt when those words stung like barbs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As she stood outside waiting for an audience
of her firstborn child and being met with his silence, I have to wonder if her
hand brushed over the stretch marks… if she shifted uncomfortably, because she
never took off those last ten pounds and nobody remembered what she looked like
before they were a permanent part of her… if she thought back to the ridicule
of those early days, when she’d just begun to show and her explanation was unbelievable
(literally)…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>if she peed herself a
little bit, or if she just cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mothers tend to have a lot of bodily fluids that just flow whether they want
them to or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am dissatisfied that
Jesus does not answer her call here, but it’s not the end of the story…</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I wonder if Mary thought back to
this moment when she was standing at the cross and Jesus publicly recognized
her as his mother and provided for her by exclaiming that his dearest friend,
the disciple whom he loved, was now her son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think the temptation here is to jump ahead too quickly, proclaiming closure,
proclaiming repaired relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe
it reaches back to Jesus’ words about making things right at the altar before
you offer your gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t really
know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I do know is that there is no
way any of that even mattered to Mary in that moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know she would have traded places with
Jesus in less than half a heartbeat, given the opportunity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Given the chance, she would deliver him again…
and again… and again, even if she knew “this child that you delivered [would]
soon deliver you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this, because
I am definitely not nearly as fabulous a mother or follower of God as Mary was,
and I would spill my own blood over and over again, an unimaginable number of
times, before ever accepting the abuse of any of my children as a simple fact I
was wise enough to know and acknowledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And so, I have to push back on the idea that Mary knew… at least like
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think she knew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s OK to admit that knowing isn’t the
end-all solution to everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There’s actually a whole lot of
grace in recognizing that most of what we do, we do with limited
knowledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At our best, we do what we
think is right, given minimal details and perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At our very best, we wake up and do it again,
adjusting for all the things we got wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then again.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mary, did you know that being a
mother was going to break you in every single way?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spoiler:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Again, I’m going with no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mary, <i>if</i>
you knew, would you still say yes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t
actually answer for Mary, but I think so, because I would.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">L. <br /></span></p>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-57656370934254494992020-11-04T16:44:00.001-05:002020-11-04T16:44:07.917-05:00On the Edge<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->I have been quiet during this election cycle…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>not silent, but quiet… certainly quieter than
usual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are many reasons for this,
ranging from my current vocational position in higher education, where I have
always praised the merits of teaching students <i>how</i> to think as opposed
to <i>what </i>to think… to my general dissatisfaction with the options on the
ballot… to a certain degree of loss of relationships in some of my most
politically minded circles… to the political divisions in my own family, which
sometimes suck the life right out of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have been dwelling deeply on some words from the Talmud: “Do
not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do justly, now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love mercy, now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Walk humbly, now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are not obligated to complete the work,
but neither are you free to abandon it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As an empath, I am, self-admittedly, often daunted… even overwhelmed… by
the enormity of the world’s grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
feel it deeply in my bones, and it can threaten to consume me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This sounds awful, but it beats the
alternative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other day, as I was
feeling this pain, I thought to myself, “This is uncomfortable, but I
desperately need to feel it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because <i>not </i>feeling is so
much worse.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have big emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Big.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Big.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For that, I am unashamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so, in the midst of this election week… after I had
taken care of those who needed me to the best of my ability, nearly consumed by
the grief but, nevertheless (she persisted), desiring to give all I could… I
found myself gravitating toward the pull of the ocean, as is my modus
operandi.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I sat down on a rock, and the winds blew and beat against my
face, and I wrote: I am currently sitting on a mass of land that will literally
be inaccessible when the tide comes in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is an end to national power… an actual, physical end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the eastern border, beyond which we
have only wind and waves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they are
subject to only One.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am not free to abandon the work of healing… of peacemaking…
of loving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no scenario in which
I would want to be free of this work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
are called to this work… to this life… and it is not passive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also not boundless, but concrete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cliché will no longer do (if it ever did),
because by definition it lacks originality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We can no longer throw our hands up in the air and shout, “God is in
control!” without essentially spitting in the faces of the bereaved and naming
their narratives as <i>worth less</i> than our own… as <i>worthless</i>… No, cliché
will never do, nor will sweeping gestures and vague promises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But maybe anecdote will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hear me out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today is a day when the big picture feels <i>too</i> enormous, but
within that we’re all living smaller stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Things will change when justice, mercy, and humility permeate each of
our narratives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please don’t mistake
this for submission but subversion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
learned a long time ago that the loudest voices are merely the loudest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they fade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s not power.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do not lose heart!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Blessed
are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”<a href="#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Count on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Rise up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">L. </p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcXtxSYXPJhLlxNNWuS7NeOXqi9f7iClbJtRuPJEjKVY-zQzSc7F0AEKbAWLyQsQCmmllC4VyROkpnkZzzRB5qO2Ie6MHbuUAS12fk8jGF-URh64_KqgwJnyUqzcE6lWY0yUumVfdZJP4/s317/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="317" data-original-width="238" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcXtxSYXPJhLlxNNWuS7NeOXqi9f7iClbJtRuPJEjKVY-zQzSc7F0AEKbAWLyQsQCmmllC4VyROkpnkZzzRB5qO2Ie6MHbuUAS12fk8jGF-URh64_KqgwJnyUqzcE6lWY0yUumVfdZJP4/w147-h195/1.jpg" width="147" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRZA2ooqPnhuyQNdauVP0p6-oBbiBrNSB5846JWSTyA9ceed0jljnBoYBf-vxtpc0r_83xN-tZTbq7ifR-tzbmPy1bxiC_N0QR4fNAcbgfWCvGdrgYfEED3k8PYr_rDhPP2pF5-57Obn0/s2048/2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRZA2ooqPnhuyQNdauVP0p6-oBbiBrNSB5846JWSTyA9ceed0jljnBoYBf-vxtpc0r_83xN-tZTbq7ifR-tzbmPy1bxiC_N0QR4fNAcbgfWCvGdrgYfEED3k8PYr_rDhPP2pF5-57Obn0/w147-h196/2.jpg" width="147" /></a><br /></div> <p></p>
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;"><br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a>
Matthew 5:4</p>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-25183029920529880312020-10-21T10:31:00.001-04:002020-10-21T11:22:16.030-04:00We Love the Great Pumpkin: On Liturgy and Scarcity<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->I am a huge fan of Halloween.<a href="#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often, over the past decade plus, I have planned
and participated in an event named HallowedWorship, which is exactly what it
sounds like.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Interestingly, the last thing that happens at HallowedWorship
is the showing of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It happens after music and Scripture and preaching
and Eucharist… after candy and games and Halloween stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It happens after everyone who has prepared
for and worked the event is exhausted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It happens with kids on a sugar high.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And to be honest, there have been some years when my family has been the
last one standing (or sitting, or falling asleep on a Sunday School room floor
somewhere), as it plays to a chorus of people leaving the room questioning
whether or not it is really necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We’re all tired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve seen this
film before.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so, there is a certain degree of irony to the fact that
the whole Halloween celebrating world is up in arms about “It’s the Great
Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” ceasing to air on broadcast television after fifty-four
years of consistency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m seeing some concern
over the injustice of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all,
not everyone has Apple TV+.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And actually, I want to freely admit that
there were some years when I didn’t have access to broadcast TV, either, so I
legitimately understand the frustration that comes with being left out of
culturally significant moments in time which can only be experienced together
through technology one does not possess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m not making light of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
fact, quite the opposite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although, my
lament of The Great Pumpkin runs more toward a sadness that we cannot gather
around my aging DVD copy to share the story with anyone who cares to watch in
community, whether or not they have another way to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But I’m slightly taken aback by the idea that people who
regularly slipped away before the show might be the same ones who are crying
out against its disappearance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Slightly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever so slightly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OK, maybe not even that much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems odd, but maybe it’s not.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">People like rhythm and ritual, and even if they do not
physically participate on a regular basis, they also want to know the option is
available to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As humans, we order
our lives around crisis moments and the regular patterns that happen in-between.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps more than any other year in modern
history (or, at least, personal history), 2020 has robbed us of this sense of
normalcy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And “normal” is a word that is
cropping up more and more, especially in the context of “a new normal.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have been resilient… or so we think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have made sacrifices and reframed our
contexts for work and school and justice and politics and worship and family
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have quite literally framed
ourselves in little boxes in order to continue to communicate with whatever
invented version of body language and expression we can muster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the loss of The Great Pumpkin?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, come on…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>enough is enough!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Be kind to yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is not such an outlandish claim or feeling to have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s fairly common for people who are in the
midst of crisis to reach for the small, consistent pieces of their lives in
order to cope with the things they cannot control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those who are suffering trauma might ground
themselves with a blade of grass or a handful of sand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When your house is burning down around you, the
most devastating immediate losses and subsequent requests can seem strange and inconsequential.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we thrive on embracing the ordinary when
the world seems to be spinning off its axis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s why we need to be able to sit with Linus in the pumpkin patch, this
year, wrapped in his familiar blue blanket, even though we know The Great
Pumpkin isn’t coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s why we need
to hear Charlie Brown say, “I got a rock.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is quite literally a touchstone!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I knew it was serious when I did a quick search for "It’s the
Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on DVD today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you read that last line and were inspired to give it a shot, maybe
don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just like there was a run on
toilet paper and Lysol wipes, you will find the “shelves” empty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t really know how to fix this in the
time of Covid-19.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Were it a more normal time
in history, I’d probably just invite y’all over for popcorn and a movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then again, we’ve been there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it were a more normal time in history, you
might decline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Rather than being some sort of definitive treatise on the
benefits and detriments of a Peanuts liturgy<a href="#_edn2" name="_ednref2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a>, this
is intended to create some space for the consideration of why this loss (and so
many others) is significant… to you… to community… to the calendar… to the
culture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allow it to sink in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tread softly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">L. </p>
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;"><br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a>
No one gasps (see: girl who is most comfortable with lament, preaching funerals,
Ash Wednesday, and All Saints Day).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
</div>
<div id="edn2" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref2" name="_edn2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a>
That sounds like a great piece for another time.</p>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-54354649242224434382020-10-14T10:14:00.001-04:002020-10-14T11:12:14.289-04:00I Voted Today…<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->… and the honest truth is that I feel crappier about it than
any other vote I have ever cast (and that’s saying something).
</p><p class="MsoNormal">Take a trip with me, back to 2008.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’ve known me that long, you may
recollect that I was a lifelong registered Republican, but I had bought into “Hope
and Change.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, on the precipice
of casting my vote for Obama, I waited with hopeful, bated breath for his VP pick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when it was Joe Biden, I said, “Oh, heck
no,” and this voter swayed right back to the party she was registered to
support (even though I didn’t have a lot of love for McCain, either). <a href="#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fast forward to the past year… </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Much in the same way, I critically viewed all of the
democratic debates and felt fairly sure that a candidate I could live with
would emerge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having voted third party in
2016, and having decided (and declared fairly publicly) that I would never do
that again (unless we come to some sort of ranked voting system at which point
I will claim it is my prerogative to change my mind, given new parameters and
information), I had essentially already decided that I would vote for whoever’s
name graced the ballot for the democratic party this time around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were a few candidates I didn’t like,
but I was fairly sure they would drop off in the early dropping off days (most
did), and there were a few candidates I liked a great deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>None of them were perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hold some positions that are apparently
mutually exclusive with actually becoming a democrat (although, in full
disclosure, that is how I am currently registered).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But looking at the wide field of
possibilities, I felt pretty good about where things were headed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At some point, I told my kids that it would
be alright, because the only candidate left that I just couldn’t vote for was
Biden, and it was never going to be him…</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And then I found myself in an impossible situation, because
I am 100%, without a doubt, a “nevertrumper” for life (please note, the very
definition of never means never), I had made a really big deal about never
voting third party again (see: definition of never), and I had also proclaimed
that I would not vote for Biden and had backed that decision with my voting record,
in the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I disdain lying and/or
going back on my word; for the first time ever, I seriously considered not
voting, but it didn’t sit well with me. I’m not a real fan of letting other
people make decisions for me and living with the consequences.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There are many things I would like to say about
politics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are many things I would
like to say about my positions and how I justify the decisions I make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could go on for pages and pages, but I suspect
this wouldn’t make much of a difference, because the vast majority of us are
reading and listening to the biased sources that we think are most legitimate,
and one more liberal leaning, pro-life, doctoral student, pastor, mama of many<a href="#_edn2" name="_ednref2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a> isn’t
going to sway anyone in a blog post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, if you legitimately want to engage in a dialogue, I am always
willing to do so.<a href="#_edn3" name="_ednref3" style="mso-endnote-id: edn3;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[iii]</span></span></span></span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I recognize that no one has to disclose who they voted for,
but my MO is to do just that, with transparency, in hopes that we can have that
charitable discourse and also in hopes that we might recognize that voting
doesn’t always fit neatly into some predetermined box and it’s OK to cast a
vote for someone who doesn’t meet all of your expectations or for someone whose
ideals and policies don’t align perfectly with your own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just keeping it real, how many people are
there out there who <i>would</i> meet these standards?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I made this my baseline, I could probably
vote for something like two people on the face of the planet, and neither of
them is running for anything!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I voted today.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I voted Biden/Harris, because it was the best <i>I </i>could
do.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I feel kinda crappy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I still hope you go do the best <i>you</i> can do, too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">L. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">PS I have a whole roll of "I Voted Today" stickers for those of you who are voting by mail, like me! Just send me a message and I will get one out to you! <br /></span></p>
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;"><br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a>
Actually, these were probably not my exact words 12 years ago, although they
would be close, today…</p>
</div>
<div id="edn2" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref2" name="_edn2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a>
Oh wait, just me?</p>
</div>
<div id="edn3" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref3" name="_edn3" style="mso-endnote-id: edn3;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[iii]</span></span></span></span></a>
By this, I do not mean if you want to make attempts to trip me up or change my
mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I mean is that I am willing
to share my reasons for my decision, and I will listen to yours, if we can talk
charitably with one another.</p>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-60694050052394087032020-10-10T11:59:00.005-04:002020-10-10T16:29:43.785-04:00The World Has Shifted <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 18.0pt;">“Do
the best you can until you know better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then when you know better, do better.” -Maya
Angelou</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">It’s a bumper
sticker on my vehicle, but it’s more than that, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">For a variety
of reasons, I have written and said precious little of consequence over the
past few months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be honest, a great
deal of my silence is simply due to my current position in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m a PhD student.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s exam year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am basically maxed out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other day, I told my kids I think I have
crammed so much in my brain that it is starting to dump details that are no
longer important or at least that are not vital in the given moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This life doesn’t leave a whole lot of room
for engagement, and I’m OK with that, because I know it’s temporary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">But there’s
something I need to say now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The world
has shifted.
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">It’s certainly
not the first time, and it won’t be the last.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you know me, you know I like classic TV, and I can tell you that you
need look no further than an episode or two of Leave it to Beaver, The Andy
Griffith Show, Happy Days, The Brady Bunch, or Full House (whew… showing my age
if that’s now a “classic”) to see how families and worldviews and entertainment
choices and relationships have changed from decade to decade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And while I would not recommend trying to
emulate the cultures of any of those sitcoms, I do find them an interesting
study.
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">Many years ago,
when my oldest kids (now adults) were little kids, I can remember my dad
saying, “Well, you’re not raising them like you were raised, but you’re doing a
good job.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not long ago, I heard a
sentiment (paraphrased) that you can’t raise your kids the same way you were
raised, because the world is not the same world it was when you were growing
up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, the world shifted again between the
early childhood days of my oldest two children and the early childhood days of
my youngest three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s almost as if I
could physically feel it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now, it has
shifted once more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I suspect that
the years between major world changes are getting shorter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could speculate on why this is, but if I
do, I’ll never finish this post, and it will end up in the scrap heap with so
many other ideas that I have never shared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For the purposes of today, I don’t care so much about why the world has
shifted but that it has.
</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">There are
basically two things you can do when you feel the ground move beneath your
feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can adapt… or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both choices come with consequences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love the Maya Angelou quote, because I
think if offers a certain degree of grace to everyone involved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 18.0pt;">Do the best you can… </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I want to believe
that everyone (or, at least most everyone) is doing the best they can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s really hard when that’s not enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But for the sake of charitable discourse, let’s
hold back on that for a moment and extend the benefit of the doubt to human
beings, assuming that we are, indeed, doing our best.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 18.0pt;">Until you know better…
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">This part is
tricky, too, because it requires teachable hearts. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It requires us to take a good, hard, long look
at the things we believe to be best and to accept that they might not be.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 18.0pt;">Then when you know
better…</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">But I believe
in the resiliency of the human spirit, and I believe we can learn and
deconstruct and reconstruct and accept that sometimes we were wrong, even when
it was the best we had to offer at that particular time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Lucida Calligraphy"; font-size: 18.0pt;">Do Better… <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I often say, “We
have to do better,” but I have recently come to realize that, actually, we don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t <i>have</i> to do better, but we
really <i>should</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We should at least
try.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">It’s really
hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s hard enough to transform and
evolve when the people with all the power dig their heels in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s harder still when the people we love do
the same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m over her playing this very dangerous game
of survival, just like the rest of you, and it’s terrifying, because I don’t
claim to know what that even looks like for the coming days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I desperately want to be on the side of history that
does just a little better than yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And even though it is my deep desire and a strong temptation to drag
others kicking and screaming along with me, I think I’m at a place where I have
to look at them, doing the best they can, even if they don’t want to know
better, and wish them well, as I adapt to the earth moving beneath my
feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let's not dig our heels in. Let's soar.<br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">L.</p>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-64485292852898566212020-09-17T13:01:00.006-04:002020-09-17T14:35:06.634-04:00This Odd Lack of Human Connection<p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->It has been such a weird six months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As many of you know, yesterday I sat for my
first comprehensive exam for my PhD program.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s an accomplishment (I hope I passed), but it’s also just another
step (there are two more written exams and an oral exam before moving on to yet
the next part of the program).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A year ago,
if you had asked me what I planned to do to celebrate, it would have looked decidedly
different from what I actually did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To
be honest, at present I am tucked away in a hotel room<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>by myself, as is my typical modus operandi
for soul care time, primarily because I couldn’t imagine taking this exam at my
home (which has become quite conducive for most work, but this was exceptional),
or while wearing a mask at the public library, or in the same situation at my
school’s library, where I would have had to change my student status and submit
to a Covid test just to show up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thus,
the hotel…</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I was pleasantly surprised by the number of friends, family
members, and colleagues who prayed for me yesterday and who sent texts and
messages to encourage and then congratulate me for checking another requirement
off the list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I appreciated every single
interaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I also want to take the
time to lament this era of life during which there are no high fives, fist
bumps, or hugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even as an introvert who
needs alone time to adequately recharge, I have to admit that I am desperate
for physical human connection, and I just feel kind of sad.<a href="#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I was pondering this in my vehicle, at a stoplight, listening
to angsty music, by myself, at lunchtime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I hadn’t planned to pick up carry-out for lunch, but then I felt
inclined to at least be in the same space as someone who might hand me a paper
bag filled with lemon chicken and fortune cookies, so I made the trek.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the way back to the hotel, waiting for the
light to change, I noticed that the woman in the car next to mine was waving
wildly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t tell what she was
saying, but I thought it might have something to do with my phone, which was
firmly attached to the dash, and to be honest it looked like she might be
angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On a whim, I thought, “well, what
the heck,” and I rolled my window down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She exclaimed, “I love your phone holder!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where did you get it?” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And then I broke into a huge smile… and then she broke into
a huge smile… and then it hit me that I haven’t been that close to another
human being (except the people who live in my house), both unmasked, in so long
that I had forgotten what it looked like and felt like when people in the same
space shared this very normal human facial expression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her where I got my phone holder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She also complimented my steering wheel
cover.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The light turned green as she
shouted, “I’m going to get one of those!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We both drove off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is not how I envisioned celebrating this moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still feel sad, but I am also reminded that
much of our experience is temporary, and although that might actually make
things feel worse sometimes, today I think it brings hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss people… and places… but this won’t
last forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot wait to have a
gigantic party someday!<a href="#_edn2" name="_ednref2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">L. </p>
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;"><br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a>
Also, I am so recharged at this point I think I might be giving off a fluorescent
aura. </p>
</div>
<div id="edn2" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<p class="MsoEndnoteText"><a href="#_ednref2" name="_edn2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a>
Maybe the least introverted thing I’ve ever pondered, but so be it…</p>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-32936309223536305542020-03-16T11:11:00.000-04:002020-03-16T11:11:29.201-04:00Does Online Education Make Us More Human?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Academia is
seemingly shut down, and even those of us who aren’t panicking are forced to
deal with a certain degree of uncertainty and inconvenience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am fairly devastated (in the drama queen,
not actually devastated by definition way) that I cannot return to the campus
of Harvard for class, because… come on… it’s been a real joy to walk through
those huge gates from week to week, and it was kind of a once in a lifetime
opportunity, but class is still on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
just on my laptop.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be honest, I was already teaching online this semester,
so I have been less inconvenienced than most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am something of a pro when it comes to online education, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and I love it</i>, so I’m not sad. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am thinking, however, of the many university
faculty members who are making this switch for the first time, and based on
things I am hearing and observing, I would like to offer this encouragement: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In answer to the question that is the title
for this post, yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Online education
makes us more human.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here’s the thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Online education puts us in our natural environment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It puts us in our homes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if we’re still wearing suit jackets on
top, everybody knows we’re wearing sweatpants on bottom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We become more human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We stumble to share the right screen, and
suddenly complete strangers are privy to our screensaver that is a snapshot of
a family vacation from six years ago as opposed to the lecture notes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We become more human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our kids and our dogs run through the
backdrop of our classes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We become more
human, and students find a little bit of joy in our chaos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not a bad thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, it takes some of the pressure off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there is a lot of pressure in the ivory
tower!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps my absolute favorite thing that I heard a student ask
last semester was, “Do you actually care about me that much?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Y’all…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I bought her a bottle of pop (side note, she had never heard the word “pop”
to refer to “soda,” so that part was funny…).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The point, though, is that it doesn’t really take that much to humanize
others and re-humanize ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
may be especially important for those of us teaching in degree programs for
practitioners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are not machines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And people learn best from other people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Funny how communicating through machines might
actually make us more authentic if we let it…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Be well and carry on! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
L.</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-50109952721347384412020-02-13T10:01:00.000-05:002020-02-13T10:37:02.586-05:00News Flash: No One is Perfect<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I still hedge when I use “the word” (anxiety).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The stigma surrounding any condition less
than perfection is astounding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a
culture nearly obsessed with identity (and which ones are good or bad or right
or wrong or worthy of love) and a Church just as nearly preoccupied with
transformation (and how one might achieve what is good or bad or right or wrong
or worthy of love), it is difficult to strike a balance between who we are and
who we are becoming and whether or not we should be either of those.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning, I woke up to an email with headlines that
reminded me that upwards of 40% of graduate students have moderate to severe
anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Read that again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The number is significant and so are the
descriptors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re not talking about a
few students feeling sort of nervous about final exams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is an epidemic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the orientation for this PhD program, a
second year student strongly advised the incoming cohort to take advantage of
therapy, because, “all PhD students need it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I rolled my eyes, but he wasn’t wrong. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s something else, though, and I think it might be time
to just throw it up against the wall and see if it sticks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I think about the full range of my life so
far, it becomes obvious to me that I didn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">develop
</i>anxiety <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">because</i> I am a graduate
student.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have always been this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a child, various people described me as sensitive,
high-strung, an old soul, and a perfectionist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m fairly certain we do not usually recognize the circumstances that
are forming us until we look back at them over time, and the problem with that
is that the circumstances no longer exist in their truest form within
milliseconds of their happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
are immediately colored by perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you have ever listened to two (or more) people describe the exact
same moment, you know this is true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Cinematic effects in recent years have told powerful stories of
perspective by layering one story on top of another, often inserting jarring,
repetitive material at specific points of the narrative, but I’m not sure we get
even that much in real life.<span class="MsoEndnoteReference"> <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></a></span> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are no moments captured exactly how they
were felt and perceived from every perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Photographs and home videos might come closest, but even they are
expressed through a particular (literal) lens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We don’t have the whole picture.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, when I sat down to write this (on a train, on the way
into Boston, because it seems that this is the only time I have to write for
the sake of writing anymore), I had absolutely no intention of exposing a
memory from the fourth grade.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn2" name="_ednref2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no idea how formative it was when it
was happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, in full disclosure,
I’m not even quite sure I have it “right.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>1989 was a really long time ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was spring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
MEAP week (Michigan standardized testing).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nine-year-old, all A “gifted” student, me was sitting by one of my
favorite people in the world… honestly, probably pretty average, but the power
of a well passed orange Jolly Rancher at oral reading time should not be
underestimated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was time to fill in
the bubbles on the scantron for our names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Read that again, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our names</i>,
because this is important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My friend
peeked over at my scantron and told me in no uncertain terms that I was doing
it wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He went by a shortened version
of his name, and our teacher had gone to great extremes to be clear that we had
to enter our legal names, as found on our birth certificates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was understandable that he thought I might
be missing something, but Lisa was the fullest name I had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t doing it wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But within moments tears were stinging the
backs of my eyes, because I was questioning myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it was possible to get my name wrong,
would I be able to pass this test at all?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Here it is for the third time: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I
was crying over filling in the scantron bubbles for my name</i>!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Formative.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn3" name="_ednref3" style="mso-endnote-id: edn3;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[iii]</span></span></span></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t really know if this was the first moment in which I
realized that I was going to strive for perfection in everything, forever, but
it has to come close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems
overwhelmingly tragic that a child at a desk in an elementary school classroom
would feel this kind of pressure (literal and figurative), and I can’t point to
this experience and pretend that it was healthy, but it hit me, today, that it also
was not all bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This part of who I am
probably feeds my ability to achieve… at least sometimes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so, here I am wondering whether 40% of graduate students
suffer from anxiety because they are graduate students or whether it is simply
more likely that people who live with anxiety are capable of achieving more
than those who don’t, which is how they get into (and finish) graduate school
in the first place.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you know me, or if you’ve read me, you know that I do not
advocate for a theology/theodicy that insists that everything happens for a
reason or that bad things happen to good people in order to promote growth, but
there is some careful nuance going on here, because I absolutely believe that “suffering
produces perseverance.”<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn4" name="_ednref4" style="mso-endnote-id: edn4;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[iv]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This doesn’t mean that suffering is heaped
upon us for the sake of perseverance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think perseverance can come in other ways, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t think suffering is necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But, there is no denying that a residual effect of suffering is often
perseverance, and although I have often wished my character might be built in
another way, I am also not willing to waste the potential inherent in
anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it drives me to be better,
so be it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I do want to issue this positive spin on anxiety with a
clear directive toward self-care/soul care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s important to know what your baseline is, because while a certain
amount of anxiety can serve you as the drive and persistence to be the best you
possible, there are going to be days when you cross that line and anxiety
becomes crippling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one who reads this
should walk away thinking that I am encouraging an increase in those days when
you’re gripped with terror and shaking and can’t get out of bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, recognizing and managing anxiety
triggers is essential to my ability to be well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know there are about five things that trigger anxiety in me at a
greater than normal level, and I know I can deal with two to three of them at a
time before I’m in over my head and feel like I’m drowning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of them are foreseeable, which actually
allows me to plan for triggering events in such a way that they are manageable
when they come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, you can’t plan for
everything, even if you are as awesome a planner as I am!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are going to be times when the stars
misalign just right and every trigger is pulled at once.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only way to really prepare for that is to
consistently take care of yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See
a therapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Burn lavender candles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take medication if it has been prescribed to
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Avoid triggers when it is healthy
to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take a bubble bath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take a nap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Go out with friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Binge watch
Netflix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Write a blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Befriend people who give great hugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eat a candy bar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Read Scripture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go for a long walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get a pet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Quit your job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Move to a deserted
island.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<br />
Here’s the truth: If my body,
family life, personal life, and work are all functioning at 100% perfection, I’m
golden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, this is the case on
approximately zero percent of the days I actually experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suspect I am not alone in this, and I also suspect
there are a whole lot of us out there (especially in the ivory tower)
overthinking every little thing and pushing harder and harder for perfection
until we run ourselves straight into the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m pretty sure that’s the marker for
crossing into unhealthy patterns that wear us out and diminish the positive
potential of anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like most
everything in life, balance and moderation are key to health.<br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>There’s a lot of me in this post,
precisely because I think it takes authenticity and honesty of narrative (to
the best of our ability, see: moments of time and perspective) to make any kind
of real headway in this life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think
there are a lot of related universal principles, though, as well, and the first
one might be grace.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn5" name="_ednref5" style="mso-endnote-id: edn5;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[v]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May we give grace to ourselves to be
imperfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of panic, may we
recognize both the potential for doing something better next time and for being
something closer to the people we were created to be but also the potential for
accepting that we are not in complete control of the universe, and sometimes we
have done the absolute best we can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May
we recognize that this may very well be the move toward being the people we
were intended to be, the move toward being exactly who we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May we be full of grace even when we are not
the best and may we celebrate wildly with the people who are doing it (whatever
it is) better than we are!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May we learn
from others and may we learn from ourselves and may we wake up again tomorrow
and try again.<br />
<br />
L. <br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;">
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref1" name="_edn1" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri", sans-serif; line-height: 107%;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The past three episodes of “This Is Us,” which aired 1/21, 1/28, and 2/11 are a
pretty good example of this phenomenon.</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><div id="edn2">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref2" name="_edn2" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="line-height: 107%;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a>
That was <i>yesterday.</i><span> </span>It’s taking me a long time to get this all
out.</span></span></div>
</div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><div id="edn3">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref3" name="_edn3" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="line-height: 107%;">[iii]</span></span></span></span></a>
Strangely, in this era of reconnecting on social media with everyone we have
ever looked in the eye, this is one person I have never managed to find, which
is, I guess, why I am almost comfortable with the fact that I just called him
out as “average” in a public forum, but just in case this is the post that goes
viral, I want to make it clear that I still tell my boys they should present
Jolly Ranchers to girls they like… <span>:)</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><div id="edn4">
<div class="chapter-1">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref4" name="_edn4" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span><span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="line-height: 107%;">[iv]</span></span></span></span></span></a><span>
See Romans 5:3…<span> </span>Also, Romans 5:3-5 is
critical here, in context: <span class="text">“Not only so, but we also glory in
our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;</span></span>
<span class="text"><span id="en-NIV-28052">perseverance, character; and character,
hope.</span></span> <span class="text"><span id="en-NIV-28053">And hope does not
put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through
the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.</span>”</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><div id="edn5" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref5" name="_edn5" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="line-height: 107%;">[v]</span></span></span></span></a>
And everyone is so surprised… #sarcasm</span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-2641877965411488372020-02-05T10:29:00.000-05:002020-02-05T11:23:00.930-05:00Trump’s Reality TV Show<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I need a night to “sleep on it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I finished watching the State of the
Union address, last night, I turned to my sons (one daughter is away at school,
the little one was asleep), and I said, “Well, Trump just produced an excellent
episode of reality TV.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s what it
felt like, perhaps mixed with a little bit of game show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But seriously, what else would I expect?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you know me, or if you’ve read me, you have no question
regarding my stance on Trump. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not a
Trump supporter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was among the first
to proclaim, “Never Trump.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I was a
registered Republican until almost four years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I wasn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I won’t hide that, and I won’t lie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Almost four years ago, I walked into a republican primary
and cast a vote, too late, for John Kasich (I think… now I’m second guessing
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose it could have been
Christie or Rubio, but I don’t think so, because I’m a philosopher who likes bridges…).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In November, at a complete loss for what to
do, I walked into another booth and cast a third party vote for Jill Stein of
the Green Party (ostensibly throwing my vote away).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have regretted that vote ever since, and I
said I would never vote for a third party again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But more on that later… back to the State of
the Union…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Overall, it was appalling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was appalled that the first third of the speech was
devoted to money and power.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If that’s
all you care about, Donald Trump is your guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was appalled at the way in which children were manipulated
in the gallery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was appalled that
babies were expected to have particular reactions to the return of their father
and that a thirteen-year-old had to say, “Mom, are you OK,” over and over and
over again on national television, as Trump went on and on about the death of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">his </i>father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was appalled that a little girl was used as
an example of exactly what it looks like to choose one child over another for a
decent education as opposed to fixing the schools for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all </i>children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be fair, the unprecedented (in speech) awarding of the
Medal of Freedom to Rush Limbaugh as well as the promotion to Brigadier General
of 100-year-old Tuskegee Airman Charles McGee were brilliant and beautiful
moments, regardless of what you may or may not think of the recipients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess if you’re going to gamble with people’s
lives and use their stories for political gain, you’re going to strike out
sometimes and also hit some home runs. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was appalled that the one issue that received a widespread
bipartisan, positive reaction was the killing of terrorists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be clear, I want to see the end of
terrorism as much as anyone, but the very fact that the only thing the
president could unite the entire country around in a standing ovation was death
was unsettling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was appalled that the President of the United States didn’t
shake the hand of the Speaker of the House, and I was equally (if not more)
appalled that the same Speaker ripped up the President’s speech upon its
completion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have frequently seen
preschoolers engage in more respectful social behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At Pelosi’s temper tantrum, I exclaimed, “That
was completely inappropriate!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s
going to get him reelected all by herself!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unpopular as it may be, I’m going to stand by that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fire away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was appalled by the President last night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was appalled by the Speaker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was appalled by the collective understanding
that the only thing that might unite us is a common enemy, and even that is
tenuous.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have always taught my children that voting is an essential
right that should be exercised by every American, and at the end of the night I
looked at three of them after a great deal of consideration and admitted that I
am unsure of whether or not I can vote in the upcoming election (this was
certainly not only about the events surrounding the State of the Union; it has
been percolating for many weeks now).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am tired of voting for candidates who do not give a crap about my vote or my
convictions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have made many
concessions in recent years in order to vote for those whom I have found to be
the best among bad choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have long
since ceased to “vote my conscience,” a phrase that was so important to me as a
new voter at age eighteen, because there is literally no one whose policies
would allow me to justify a vote of conscience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am sick and tired of voting for people because I think they might
throw the least amount of fuel on the fire, and I actually want to be able to
live with myself at the end of the day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was appalled, because I am not a republican and I am not a
democrat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mostly, I was appalled,
because I love people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe love doesn’t
mix well with politics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-1898872513991441882019-09-19T09:19:00.000-04:002019-09-19T09:19:04.998-04:00Mid-September<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I’m teaching Intro to Worship this fall, and the focus of
this week is the Church Calendar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Clearly, this could be the subject of an entire semester; but in an
intro class, you only get a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
has me thinking about not only the great significance of marking time in terms
of sacred feasts and sanctified souls but also more widely about how we mark
time in a variety of ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discussions
lend themselves to everything from the civic calendar to particularities in the
local community to family traditions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
liturgist snob that lives inside of me wants to just push the Church Calendar
and move on, but how inauthentic is that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We do not live in a vacuum, and the rhythms and patterns of time that
undergird our theology of new life… giving way to death… giving way to
resurrection (way oversimplified, I know) are cyclical and intricately tied to
our actual experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all </i>very important to discuss and
debrief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In addition to all of the established ways that people have
kept time for millennia, we are always creating new systems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an attempt to be more attentive to my use
of social media, I have recently started scrolling through all of my Facebook
Memories while on my commute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, hear
me out, social media is a poor substitute for actually capturing a full
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is certainly not even close to
my only outlet for attempting to archive the events that have been most
formational to me or the people who have been most beloved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, even my best attempts at
memorializing such things will fall short of reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m always writing from my own perspective,
through some narrow lens that cannot be expanded beyond my senses and
intellect.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[1]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the purposes of this little experiment of
mine, in which I subject myself to my own words and images from the past
decade, day after day after day, is about considering what things I have found
either important enough or ordinary enough to share publicly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have not actually decided which way the
pendulum swings on this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It might be a
little bit of both.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, mid-September…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
a weird time for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ten years ago, I
was downing pizza for breakfast, throwing up all day long, and trying to hold
on a few more weeks before announcing my last pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last year I was sitting outside the very
building I am sitting inside, now, drinking coffee that was really just OK with
brand new people, who are really pretty great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Somewhere in-between, there were academic paper proposals, a need for a
new can opener, listening to my daughter play piano, subbing for second
graders, quiz meets, and an inquiry into which neighbor might feed our fish
while we were out of town.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is this the
stuff that marks the time of my life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I’m honest, though, this mid-September week always brings
with it a frustration for me if I stop to think about that one year when it
may have been the dumbest week of my life!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It wasn’t the most tragic or the most painful or the most insanely busy
(although there were elements of all of those things), but when I look back
over it, the only appropriate word I can muster is “dumb” (well, and all of its
synonyms).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was not enough and too
much, all at the same time, and the truth is, that’s exactly how I defined
myself (hear me here, not the week, not the experience, but my actual embodied
self) for far too long, after it was over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But this post is not about that, at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because, today I ran
across the funniest glimmer of hope, couched (perhaps too neatly) within the
memories of that week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what I
wrote: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
”Spraying my jeans with glitter just became the top priority
in my life… I love vacation time…”<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ftn2" name="_ftnref2" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn2;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[2]</span></span></span></span></a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m thankful the subway wasn’t very full, because in
addition to laughing out loud, I also teared up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That seems to be how emotion works for me
lately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is almost always this
tension between hope and lament.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And no
one who knows me is surprised in the least.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had such a strong reaction to these words, because I know myself, and
I know I had reached a moment in which I could do nothing else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All my cards were on all the tables, so I
took a deep breath and let go for a second.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is hope for the future in this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I was thinking just yesterday about
what would happen if I suddenly failed at everything I am attempting to do with
my life now (just FYI, I don’t think this is an issue anyone should be
concerned about, I was simply pondering all the possible endgames I can
imagine, as is fairly typical for me by week three of any school year), and I
had the strangest sense of peace about the fact that I would still be me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would still be the girl who has enough hope
left that even in the midst of stupid seasons, she can take a moment to spray
glitter on her jeans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because here’s the
thing, friends:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those times are going to
come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can count on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, they’re not going to last forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hope on… </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
L.</div>
<div style="mso-element: footnote-list;">
<br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="ftn1" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ftnref1" name="_ftn1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[1]</span></span></span></span></a>
This, of course, makes collaboration all the more important!</div>
</div>
<div id="ftn2" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ftnref2" name="_ftn2" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn2;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[2]</span></span></span></span></a>
Me, Facebook, September 19, 2015.</div>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-44912874315538350432019-05-09T11:11:00.000-04:002019-05-09T21:24:03.559-04:00That’s a Wrap (with a bow on top)<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
At present, I am sitting at Starbucks in my pajamas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, it’s possible that no one here
recognizes this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could just be
sweatpants and a T-shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I know I
slept in these clothes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel slightly
less than human, but that’s probably to be expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just finished my first year of PhD
coursework.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one claimed it would be
easy, but it doesn’t matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
generally do things the easy way, anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I was submitting my final papers and exams, I thought
back to a conversation I had with a friend, in the fall of 2017, as I was
preparing to apply to PhD programs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sitting
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in</i> Boston, I said, “I think I’m going
to apply to the University of Boston.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He looked confused and responded with something like, “L…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think that’s a thing.”<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just in case you’re wondering, it’s not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s how fully unaware I was about this
venture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The following days, weeks, and
months led to multiple applications and acceptances with a final decision to sign
on the dotted line at Boston University (I was sort of close), which I discovered
is an R1 Doctoral University while sitting at orientation with my cohort full
of Ivy League graduates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to Google
what “R1” meant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swallowed hard and
introduced myself and proudly proclaimed my affiliation with Northwest Nazarene
University, the small school in Idaho that I love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I fluffed it up with words about publications
and conferences, but I also realized I had either hit the PhD program jackpot
or somehow slipped in by mistake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
proceeded to spend much of the school year vacillating between greeting the day
with exuberant energy as I burst through the doors at Back Bay station,
shouting, “GOOD MORNING, BOSTON!” and defeating exhaustion as I crawled back onto
the subway at night hoping to find a seat where no one would be touching me... or
at least to remain upright.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was
really only one day when I collapsed in a puddle of tears in a library study
carrel, but there were several when I wondered if I might actually be someone’s
case study… “Let’s throw a middle aged, Midwestern mama of five into the big
city on the East Coast, at a tier one research institute, and see if she makes
it…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a fairly serious daydreamer, I want to take just a moment
for an aside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leading up to this
particular leg of the journey, there were some frustrating disappointments.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn2" name="_ednref2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a> Maybe
you read about all of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there
was always this vision… this hope… that one day I would “arrive.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would post a selfie and stick it to the
world, announcing, “Here I am!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is where I was going to end up all
along!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Except it wasn’t!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is just dumb!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was never
going to end up here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t even know
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“here”</i> was a place, remember?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And maybe that is exactly the point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been lamenting Catherine Keller’s “cloud
of missed possibilities” for a ridiculously long time.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn3" name="_ednref3" style="mso-endnote-id: edn3;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[iii]</span></span></span></span></a> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sorry about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do lament well, and since it’s something of
a lost practice, I’m OK with bearing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But there’s something else, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes we risk missed possibilities not because we have already made
choices that exclude them but because we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just
don’t know</i> what’s possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t
know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s not what I expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I probably still don’t know everything!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Year one… that’s a wrap.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now here’s that “bow.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As I left for the train station on Tuesday (the last day I had to go
into Boston for the semester), a quick stop at the mailbox produced a 5 x 7
envelope from Northwest Indiana, which contained my District Minister’s License
from the Church of the Nazarene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I’m
honest, I’m struggling a little bit with how to celebrate this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was beyond thrilled to hold this piece of
paper (dare I say an outward sign of the inward grace that is vocational
calling to ministry) in my hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
really want to hear people say things like, “What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought you were already ordained!” or, “Wait!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How are you not already ordained?” or even, “Well,
it’s about time,” even though I know the intense support and compassion with
which these words would be (have been) uttered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Y’all, the honest truth is my licensing process just fell through the cracks
while I raised a family and ministered alongside my spouse and pursued the
necessary education to eventually fulfill this calling on my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What most people don’t know is that I drove over a thousand
miles to meet with the good people of NWIN for my district licensing interview…
that I slept in my van at a rest stop for several hours with my two oldest
kids, because the sleet was so intense… that I spilled a gas station coffee all
over the gas station (and myself) right ahead of the interview, because I was
shaking so badly… that I got pulled over on the drive afterward… that friends
drove several hours to meet me for lunch expecting that they would find me in
tears, either way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes, it has been extremely difficult to articulately verbalize
this itinerant life and the unusual ways in which I have fought to live into
the call to preach and to administer the sacraments as fully as possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, one of the interviewers looked at me and
said (and I paraphrase, because it’s been months), “We know you now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t have to transfer and explain this to
another district.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, can I just tell
you what I appreciate about you?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think that might be the point at which I resumed breathing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i>
could not have imagined how beautifully this would come together, not in my
wildest dreams.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn4" name="_ednref4" style="mso-endnote-id: edn4;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[iv]</span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alright, that’s a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Here I sit, 20% of the way through my PhD, a district licensed minister
in the church I love, and rather spent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One
of those super smart cohort members of mine gave me about the greatest
compliment I could receive the other day when she said, “You’re the real thing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, I’m trying to be less self-deprecating,
so alright.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it’s time to kick
imposter syndrome to the curb (although I’m not done writing about it, stay
tuned and send publishers).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this life
it anything, it’s real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
L. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;">
<br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a>
On a second reading, I’m actually sure this is not at all what he said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i> would have said it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just
admitted that he hadn’t heard of the University of Boston (which does not
exist). </div>
</div>
<div id="edn2" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref2" name="_edn2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[ii]</span></span></span></span></a>
Ok, years of frustrating disappointments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Years</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn3" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref3" name="_edn3" style="mso-endnote-id: edn3;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[iii]</span></span></span></span></a>
See <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Face of the Deep: A Theology of
Becoming</i>.</div>
</div>
<div id="edn4" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref4" name="_edn4" style="mso-endnote-id: edn4;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[iv]</span></span></span></span></a>
I fully recognize that it is hysterical that my wildest dreams are of licensing
interviews and ordination and PhD regalia (wait, did I admit that out loud),
but I’m rolling with it.</div>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-57483975660674539832019-03-01T11:11:00.000-05:002019-03-01T11:34:09.785-05:00Birthing Adults<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
What a weird era of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Perhaps it is because I am currently taking a course on rites of
passage, but as I drove over 3,000 miles last week, carting my two oldest
children to a very official college visit and music scholarship audition at
their school of choice that was once relatively close to home but is now
incredibly far away, I kept thinking to myself, “I feel like I am pregnant all
over again.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stay with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
understand how very bizarre that sounds.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There I was, in this closely confined space, when out of
nowhere it suddenly felt like all of their hopes and dreams for the future that
have been wrapped up inside of me were about to come spilling out in a graphic
and violent manner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t tell them
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was driving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would do none of us any good if I became a
puddle of tears on the side of the road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And that is pretty much par for the course on how this Mama does life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel very deeply (uncharacteristically so
of most humans), but I can stuff it (believe it or not). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have given (literal) birth to five children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each one of their stories is different, and
if you have read me for long, you are probably familiar with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not going to take the time to give you
the full versions here, today, but there are, indeed, some odd parallels to
this new ‘birthing’ experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let us
start with ‘the boy.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After 2 ½ years of trying, it was hard to believe he was
coming into existence at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I waited a
long time to tell anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was easier
to grasp the reality of him when I began to feel him kick, and I knew he was OK
when I could see him moving in my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There was a certain degree of panic that accompanied any span of time without
movement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a difficult pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The boy came into the world with a security
guard posted at my hospital room door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
can’t make this stuff up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It felt like
an easy delivery, even though his little body ripped mine all the way
through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t hold him for an
hour, because there were so many stitches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It took the medical staff some time to convince me that I could accept
pain medication during that process, because I had been so adamant about not
taking anything during delivery that I struggled to recognize he was now separated
from me, and it would be OK to dull the pain of this after birth
experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was the most beautiful baby
I had ever seen, and my fierce protection of him grew exponentially the moment
I saw him, even though I had already been keeping him safe… sometimes at my own
expense… for nine months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though
the cord was cut, it was as if I was still carrying him inside of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t realize it until last week, but
eighteen years later I still feel this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
hard to believe he is leaving home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
haven’t made an announcement, because the acceptance process isn’t quite
complete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had moments of panic over
these days when I could not see his movement, but there was peace when I caught
a glimpse of him across campus doing all the things an incoming college
Freshman should be doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some ways,
it has been a difficult childhood, and in other ways it felt easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still want to post a guard around this one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot bear the thought of him being hurt,
and as I am typing these words, they are ripping my spirit… all the way
through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I have kept him as safe as
I could (spoiler alert: the world is not safe)… sometimes… still… at my own
expense (I have a bit of a reputation for being a Mama bear, and I can be
really ugly if you mess with my babies) for these eighteen years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was pregnant with this first child of
mine, I had a few months to think about what my life was going to look like
when the baby arrived and changed everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now I have a few months to think about what my life will look like when
he leaves and changes everything again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
I just hope he flies (even though I am now that aforementioned puddle of
tears).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then, there’s ‘the girl.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some ways, there is something cruel about
having to launch two pieces of your heart at once, but I can’t slow her
down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never been able to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She came to us completely unexpectedly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one plans for a little pink line with a
four month old in their arms… but certainly not anyone who knows what it is to
pee on those sticks month after month. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have always called her “the best surprise
of my life,” and she is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her entry into
the world was frightening in its own right, because she was conceived while I
was on medication that is not conducive to pregnancy but was necessary for
dealing with the postpartum condition of my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Coumadin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Category X.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The literature warned
that this medication, when taken during pregnancy, may (although I think what I
was told sounded much more like ‘should’… and ‘will’…) result in central
nervous system defects, deformed limbs, and developmental retardation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The girl was born singing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was really more of a low, guttural, mournful
humming sound, and as medical staff and visiting friends and family expressed
concern, I shut them out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
twenty-two years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I was exhausted
because of the longer labor than the one before, or maybe I was preoccupied
with the toddler in the pack-in-play, whom I would not allow to be taken home
by his grandparents, or maybe I was trying to wrap my mind around why this baby
really wasn’t as beautiful as the first and was going to need me in her
corner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever the reason, my line
over the next 24 hours became, “I think she just loves music.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cue the continued pitiful glances… and the
failed hearing test… and walking out of the hospital the second they would let
us go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>None of that really matters, because
I was right, and she has been stickin’ it to the world ever since.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most everyone had all but forgotten how her
life began by the time she taught herself to read at age four… and was
published in a magazine… and started winning essay contests and talent shows and
quiz scholarships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So please excuse me
when I post indiscriminately about my girl with perfect pitch who is going to
college for free to major in music composition!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As a baby, she was either crying or eating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had to be touching me to be happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This week I realized that I had to be
touching her, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent most of the
week following her around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is helpful
that she has promised to always text me at the end of the day, so I know she is
alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I received the first of these
texts on Friday night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It literally
said, “I’m alive!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I laughed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cliché as it might be, I just hope she
dances.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though I had worked in early childhood for years before
having my own kids, there was something far more terrifying about keeping my
own little person alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though I
spent many years working with teenagers and their families as they transitioned
to adulthood, there is something entirely different about experiencing this for
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this is also exactly what
parents are supposed to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is our
job to transform slimy, wrinkly, needy little things into loving, responsible
people who will make their mark on the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Giving birth to adults is hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In some ways, I think it’s harder and more painful work than giving birth
to babies (maybe I’m just far enough removed from this to have forgotten), because
we’ve had them for a long time when we reach this stage, and we like them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their being is interconnected with ours, and
even a gentle ripping away will leave some raw spaces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so… over the next few months, I prepare
to push them out into the world, measured breathing all the way…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
L.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-77313034272654621092019-02-07T09:19:00.000-05:002019-02-07T18:34:42.926-05:00What About Us, Book Launch Day!This morning, I am excited to announce the release of my new book, "What About Us: Stories of Uncontrolling Love."<br />
<br />
This collection of essays, written by twelve brilliant and vulnerable
contributors, explores the question of human responsibility in the midst
of pain, suffering, and tragedy, through the sharing of personal
narrative.<br />
<br />
You can order your copy today at the following Amazon link (a Kindle version is also available)."<br /><br />
<a href="https://www.amazon.com/What-About-Us-Stories-Uncontrolling/dp/1948609177/" target="_blank">Get Your Copy Here!!!</a><br /><br />For more details and teasers in the following days, please like Flip Fliops, Glitter, and Theology on Facebook:<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/flipflopsglitterandtheology/">https://www.facebook.com/flipflopsglitterandtheology/</a><br />
<br />
L.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-11354368717551649792019-01-24T12:01:00.000-05:002019-01-24T16:09:23.683-05:00Necessary Possibilities<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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For a variety of reasons that would be difficult to explain (since I’m
not entirely sure how to explain it even to myself), I have had two concepts/phrases
competing for my attention this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are, “what counts as necessary,” and, “as much as possible.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weirdly, these thoughts were at war within me
until I sat down to write, at which point I realized they might be
synonymous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps what is necessary <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> for us to engage in doing things in
such a way that they are done as well (or as much) as possible.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Often, I think the word necessary contains connotations that lead
toward doing the bare minimum to get by, but if you think long and hard about
how we use this word in real life, it is usually attached to radical, uncomfortable
situations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We use it
apologetically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m so sorry, but this
is necessary.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can over think for
weeks at a time about what counts as necessary, to the extent that it would
have been better to just risk it in the first place, because it would be less
consuming. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But most of the time, the “necessary”
is painful in some way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is used to
describe things we would not otherwise choose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We are doing this… saying this… being this… because for some reason or
another, we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have</i> to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have recently been reading James K.A. Smith’s book, “Imagining the
Kingdom,” which does not undermine the concept of free will but also presents a
realistic understanding of what it is to be inclined toward one choice or
another, to be persuaded by the very world we conceptualize as the real world,
to act habitually and without deep thought in the vast majority of
circumstances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He articulates things I
have agreed with, without knowing it (probably thus proving his point) for a
very long time… maybe even my entire life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Attention is given to the importance of living into regular ritual and
routine which forms and transforms us into the people we desire to be, given
our understanding of what is good in the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I appreciate this considerably (see: liturgist), but I also believe we
will still encounter extraordinary circumstances that cause us to take pause,
sometimes veering from our culturally ingrained habits as we meticulously
consider whether or not we must resist the norm in order to take necessary
action.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
But again, what is necessary if not “as much as possible”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And perhaps the question that follows on the
heels of this one is: What is possible?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m not sure it means <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">merely</i>
what can be done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I’m pretty
sure our desires play into this in more ways than we would often like to admit
(sometimes for good, and sometimes… well… not).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For, just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should, and just
because you should do something doesn’t mean you will. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve come to realize that the most difficult decisions require us to
rank our loves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the decisions
that will benefit someone… or something… or some circumstance while taking away
from another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the decisions
that must be made and that have no win-win outcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should be clear that I don’t think most
decisions fall into this category.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think most of the time we can do things that (at the very least) cause no harm
and much of the time we can even find creative solutions in which all parties
are (again, at least minimally) satisfied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But sometimes… rarely… we just can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And when that’s the case, the words “as much as possible” don’t bring
any comfort at all to hurting people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes, “as much as possible” isn’t enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that sucks.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Smith would argue that what we love defines us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think he’s right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And most of the time, I think that works out
pretty well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But sometimes it hurts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still… may we love things (people… places…
experiences…) that matter and may we love things that love us back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure that’s solid theology, but I don’t
mean that we should only do what’s right or good to those who love us…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>of course I don’t mean that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But may we have enough requited love in our
lives that we can make the hard choices and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be</i>
(at our core) the very most good we are capable of being.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;">L.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-21496268440384486852019-01-10T02:11:00.000-05:002019-01-10T12:19:15.200-05:00Fake It Till You Make It and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
have recently been preoccupied by the concept of imposter syndrome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, if I’m honest I think I may have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> been preoccupied by this concept,
but I didn’t know it had a name until last spring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also didn’t know it was something that
other people felt… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lots</i> of other
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to ask a lot of why
questions, but I’m not sure there will ever be an adequate answer to why
qualified… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and loved</i>… people often
feel as if they are not enough or as if they do not belong in whatever good circumstances
in which they find themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a
quandary, to be sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It actually doesn’t
make sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I wonder if there are
underlying things we tell ourselves that lead to this dilemma.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
got me thinking about the phrase, “Fake it Till You Make It.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have uttered these words far too many times
and attempted to live into them more than that, and I do not think I am alone
in this (see: masses of people suffering from imposter syndrome).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think we have this idea stuck in our minds
that if we work hard and push toward our goals that we are somehow pretending
to be people we are not until we finally attain those dreams, which might
account for at least part of why we feel we do not belong when we get
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But how does (or should) this
change if the plans we are pursuing are not our own?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Solomon
lays out the human predicament rather poetically in Ecclesiastes (the whole
book, but this phrase, specifically, for today): <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for
all my toil.” (2:11b, NRSV).</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps
the wisest mere human being of all time, and certainly accomplished beyond what
most anyone could possibly imagine, Solomon was arguably tortured by imposter
syndrome and an endless search for meaning, particularly in relationship to self-indulgent
disillusionment regarding what actually matters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
it was the apostle Paul who stopped me in my tracks, this week, with these
words to the Ephesians: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Therefore, be
imitators of God, as beloved children” (5:1, NRSV).</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imitators.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, hold the phone, did Paul just say, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“fake it till you make it”</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe, but probably not, because context matters, and Paul encourages
the Ephesians (and dare I say, also us) to imitate God, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">as beloved children,</i> and I think that makes all the difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beloved children belong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They (we) are not imposters but
impressionable, deeply loved and wanted people who may be transformed day by
day into something resembling who they (we) were always intended to be, by
following the example given to them (us) in Jesus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Faking it will never do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This stuff is real.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Beloved
friends, life is hard enough when we find ourselves in painful
circumstances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you happen to be in a
good place, don’t make it any more difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You belong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">L. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-84041077834692972592019-01-03T13:19:00.000-05:002019-01-03T13:19:24.312-05:00What Should We Be Talking About?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->In 2017, I launched the Flip Flops, Glitter, and Theology
Podcast, and I had an incredible time conversing with all kinds of amazing
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was life giving for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have taken a break from podcasting for the
past several months, because things have been crazy, and I figured it was
probably better to break than to put out content of subpar quality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life is still crazy (let’s be real, that
never changes), but I would like to re-boot the FGT podcast with 30 episodes
called, “What Should We Be Talking About in the Church?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My hope is that the transcripts from these
episodes might eventually become a book, as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now is your chance to chime in!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If there is a specific topic to which you
think we need to give attention, send me a quick message with your proposal,
because I have some ideas, but I also know I need to hear from you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is certainly open to people who have
been on the podcast in the past and people who have not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, it doesn’t all have to be controversial
(but, let’s face it… it’s me… so a lot of it probably will be…)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>L.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-42602658930731630542019-01-01T00:01:00.000-05:002019-01-01T12:39:58.762-05:00Cue 2019<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you need to be reminded of all the ways in which time keeps turning
and you are loved and called by name, maybe read the whole daily office, today.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I was struck anew by what must have seemed like a “tag” at the end of the
traditional Hebrew blessing from Numbers, which hangs prominently in my home,
which I pray over my children, and which I often use as the benediction when I
preach. Seems I never get to verse 27,
which is weird, because naming is important enough to me that you would think
this would have captured my attention at some point:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="passage-display-bcv"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Numbers 6:24-27</span></i></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></i><span class="text"><i>“</i></span><span class="text"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">The </span></i></span><span class="small-caps"><i><span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal;">Lord</span></i></span><span class="text"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> bless you and keep you;</span></i></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> <span class="text">the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"> make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you;</span></span>
<span class="text">the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"> lift up his countenance upon
you, and give you peace.</span> So they
shall put my name on the Israelites, and I will bless them” (NRSV).</i> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have been caught in what might be a perpetual identity crisis for so
long I’m not even certain when it began.
To be sure, there is some imposter syndrome going on, as my life has
taken some crazy twists and turns in recent years, and I often find myself in
places and wonder how the heck I got there (figuratively, not literally… there’s
GPS for that). Maybe I am averse to the
whole “I may not know <i>who</i> I am, but I
know <i>whose</i> I am,” cliché. I mean, it’s a cliché, so I probably <i>am</i> averse to it. But what I mean is, maybe this is why I’ve
missed the sliver of truth that lies therein (that’s the problem with clichés,
after all… there is <i>some</i> reason people keep using them, but it can be painstaking work to ferret
it out). Being named by God, though… <i>that’s</i> not cliché. And being God’s people? We should take that seriously.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So, my MO for Flip Flops, Glitter, and Theology has been to not write
about my family too often. I have a
super (not) secret Mommy blog for that, so this space can be reserved for
theological inquiry and discourse. But I
just have to tell you, the coming of this new year is hitting me hard, because
it’s the first year I will graduate kids from high school, and if there is one
thing I have never questioned, even in the midst of the complete deconstruction
and reconstruction of who I am (multiple times over), it’s my role as their mom. Many things have changed, but <i>they</i> are what I always wanted. I think I’m going to avoid a full-fledged
mid-life crisis (although some people would argue I’m already having one),
because I’ll still have three non-adult humans at home when #1 and #2 take off,
and I anticipate I will be far too exhausted for a crisis by the time #5 grows
up. But still, I do suck at transitions
and this one that’s looming over me feels ominous. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue Mary:<i> </i></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Luke 2:19 </i><i>“But Mary treasured all these words
and pondered them in her heart” (NRSV).</i></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i></i></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i></i>Clearly, I’ve been thinking a lot about <i>all these words</i> (or as the NIV puts it <i>all these things</i>) that were first foreshadowing and then began to
take on flesh as my children have grown.
Sometimes the things we dream turn out exactly the way we imagined and
sometimes they don’t. Overall, though, I
have been blessed with a lot of wonderful moments to treasure and ponder, and
there is a part of me that looks forward to the future, even though letting go
can be rough, because I see every day, in the present, just how incredible
these people are and how blessed the world is to have them in it. Which brings me in a roundabout way to
Ecclesiastes… the time for everything… but also the struggle to understand time
as it is (cue: Landslide, Dixie Chicks version):</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="passage-display-bcv"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">Ecclesiastes 3:1-13</span></i></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"> <span class="passage-display-version">“</span><span class="text">For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under
heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die;</span></span> <span class="text">a
time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;</span> <span class="text">a
time to kill, and a time to heal;</span> <span class="text">a time to
break down, and a time to build up;</span> <span class="text">a time to weep, and
a time to laugh;</span> <span class="text">a time to mourn, and a time to
dance;</span> <span class="text">a time to throw away stones, and a time to
gather stones together;</span> <span class="text">a time to embrace, and a
time to refrain from embracing;</span> <span class="text">a time to seek, and a
time to lose;</span> <span class="text">a time to keep, and a time to
throw away;</span> <span class="text">a time to tear, and a time to sew;</span>
<span class="text">a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;</span> <span class="text">a time to love, and a time to hate;</span> <span class="text">a
time for war, and a time for peace. What
gain have the workers from their toil? <span id="en-NRSV-17370">I have seen the
business that God has given to everyone to be busy with. </span><span id="en-NRSV-17371">He has made everything suitable for its time; moreover he has
put a sense of past and future into their minds, yet they cannot find out what
God has done from the beginning to the end. </span><span id="en-NRSV-17372">I
know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy
themselves as long as they live; </span><span id="en-NRSV-17373">moreover, it is
God’s gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil”
(NRSV).</span></span></i></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text"><i></i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text"><i></i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></i><span style="font-weight: normal;">A sense
of past and future in our minds, yet an impossible quest to discern how it all
fits together, leads to the only reasonable conclusion… be happy while you live
in the moment you have right now. If I
am <i>anything</i>, I’m a thinker and a
planner, so this is a very difficult direction for me to follow. I take snapshots of moments, precisely
because I do not want to lose them and then lose moments, taking snapshots. Vicious cycle…</span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But if we
wonder what it is that we should actually occupy ourselves with in the ordinary
flow of our lives, this is it: </span><i> </i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text"><i>Matthew 25:34b-40 (NRSV) “‘Come, you that
are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the
foundation of the world; </i></span><i><span id="en-NRSV-24041">for I was hungry and you
gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a
stranger and you welcomed me, </span><span id="en-NRSV-24042">I was naked and you
gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you
visited me.’ </span><span id="en-NRSV-24043">Then the righteous will answer him,
‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and
gave you something to drink? </span><span id="en-NRSV-24044">And when was it that
we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? </span><span id="en-NRSV-24045">And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited
you?’ </span><span id="en-NRSV-24046">And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I
tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my
family, you did it to me’” (NRSV).</span></i><span class="text"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text">If we belong to
God… if God’s name is written on our hearts… then these are the words… these
are the things to treasure. And, you
know what? Sometimes we really screw it
up. In fact, I think we might screw it
up more often than we don’t (at least it seems so from my own personal
experience, but yours might be different).
Maybe that’s part of why we’re so obsessed with new beginnings, with
chances to start over. Maybe it’s why we
reinvent ourselves. Maybe it’s even why
we sometimes resort to throwing stuff up against the wall and hoping it might
stick strong enough and long enough to mark our identities as something
worthwhile. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text">Undoubtedly, in
all of it, God is near, and God seems to understand something of the need for
creative beginnings and ends:<i> </i></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text"><i>Revelation 21:3a-6a “’See, the home<sup data-fn="#fen-NRSV-31041a" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NRSV-31041a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]">
</sup>of God is among mortals.</i></span><i> <span class="text">He will dwell<sup data-fn="#fen-NRSV-31041b" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NRSV-31041b" title="See footnote b">b</a>]">
</sup>with them;</span> <span class="text">they will be his peoples,</span> <span class="text">and God himself will be with them;</span> <span class="text">he will
wipe every tear from their eyes.</span>
<span class="text">Death will be no more;</span> <span class="text">mourning
and crying and pain will be no more,</span> <span class="text">for the first
things have passed away.’ And the one
who was seated on the throne said, ‘See, I am making all things new.’ Also he
said, ‘Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true.’<sup> </sup>Then
he said to me, ‘It is done!</span>’” (NRSV).</i><span class="text"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text">For the past several
years, my mantra (with a hashtag, of course, because it is the age of social
media) has centered around words and concepts like #LessFear and
#Fearless. It has been exhausting; there
have been many moments when I have wondered whether or not I am broken beyond
repair. Most recently, I have even felt
as if my very spirit might be crushed (see: PhD work has been brutal to my
humanity and my current GPA makes me cry on and off… nobody panic or consider
not hiring me, though… it’s still very acceptable, just impossible for this
perfectionist to square). This year, I’m
aiming for #Resilience. May we all stand
up and bounce back (cue: weebles… now those things make for good childhood
stories).</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text">Happy New Year!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text">L. </span></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj2lfivBnzkvbwziWfzve0pJI5EFtfn9Hr3T_31DyFabJ7cvL5p-ifE8tbX6u1DTF2Kiu3hSRe3b419p0hzpq-hT-hYQFdToQoN8HILl4k430n2fovTlhmTlmBErQbDFMCNzMrZxBYNb0/s1600/weeble.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="550" data-original-width="412" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj2lfivBnzkvbwziWfzve0pJI5EFtfn9Hr3T_31DyFabJ7cvL5p-ifE8tbX6u1DTF2Kiu3hSRe3b419p0hzpq-hT-hYQFdToQoN8HILl4k430n2fovTlhmTlmBErQbDFMCNzMrZxBYNb0/s320/weeble.jpg" width="239" /></a></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text"><br /></span></span></span></div>
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<br />
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Short Story: This girl is going to Boston University in the
fall!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will be a PhD student, pursuing
a degree in Liturgical Studies, and I will be a teaching fellow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Long Story: Hang on, it’s pretty good…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just over a year ago, I found myself staring down a string
of ‘closed doors’ that made absolutely no sense and were impossible to process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t a new story; and the truth is, I
was sick of telling it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of you have
heard this part already, but after being soundly rejected by the only doctoral
program to which I had applied, I had spent several months chasing down multiple
possibilities for the elusive co-pastorate in an inner city (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">any</i> inner city), which would allow me to
re-frame my educational plans while living into the passions in my heart that
include teaching and practicing social justice through compassionate ministry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the end of a very long day, I fell asleep
in a puddle of tears when I realized every lead had come to an abrupt end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I woke up the next morning and accepted a
position as the director of family ministries at a UMC (not my tribe), in a
small, rural town.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I literally moved my
family to a farmhouse in the middle of a pig and chicken farm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then proceeded to do stuff that felt mutually
exclusive for my life, like participating in a nationwide book tour, speaking
about the uncontrolling nature of God’s love and the validity of the free
agency of humanity, while wondering whose free agency was screwing over my
life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has actually been a fabulous year in so many ways, and as
I launch into this narrative, I want to be exceedingly clear that even though
this was not, in fact, what I would have chosen; I never do anything halfway,
so I threw myself wholeheartedly into this community and church, and the
response was that of a village built on love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If your whole life is going to be ‘ruined,’ let me suggest a wonderful
place such as this one for the ruining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is the jackpot of small towns, and I have been very happy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This winter, I sent out three applications for PhD
programs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I opted not to re-take the GRE
(my score was solid but not stellar), and honesty requires me to confess that I
did not really think I would get in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was OK with that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My plan was to eventually
give the GRE another shot, if necessary, and to just keep trying in future
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got into two of the three
programs to which I applied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a side
note, my kids have taken to calling the other program, “That dumb school that didn’t
want Mom.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think this is hysterical
and endearing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The energy that went into my decision to choose BU was
painfully draining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both schools offered
me 100% funding for tuition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only BU
offered a fellowship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My prospective advisor
looked into my face and spoke the following words: “You are loved and you are
wanted here.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was huge, since I was
still trying to decide whether or not they had made a mistake in sending me an
acceptance letter!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other school was
close enough to commute, which would allow me to keep my job, and it was also pretty
much in the backyard of the college my two oldest children intend to attend
next fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Boston presented unique
challenges, such as the exorbitant cost of living, but when I looked at the
options side-by-side, I knew intrinsically that it was the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">best</i> choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, I
wrestled with this right down to the deadline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I almost begged friends familiar with the other option to tell me to go
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although they were positive and
supportive of either choice, it seemed that no one could bring themselves to
steer me away from BU.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since Boston was not financially feasible for us, our family
began to explore options that would allow them to stay put, while I would move
to Boston and book a whole lot of flights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our local church was supportive of this possibility, which would include
job sharing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And finally, through some
more hot, angry tears, sitting in my driveway with Matthew 19:29-30<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[i]</span></span></span></span></a> running
though my head in the background, I threw my hands up in the air and said, “Fine
God!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will go do this thing (that I
really <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want</i> to do, anyway), but if I
lose my kids over this, I’m done, and we are through.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s chalk this up as the worst affirmative
answer to a calling, ever…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Given a full understanding of what this decision meant,
friends and family started coming out of the woodwork, questioning whether or
not I had made the right decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
was not particularly helpful (where were you when I was begging for a reason to
say no and before the deadline had passed), and I was especially distraught
that these sentiments came most often from the same people who had seen my previous
rejection and distress as an opportunity to “just trust in God’s plan .”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can God’s plan not include joy, as well? And
how is it that God is limited to working <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">only</i>
in suffering?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve done a fair share of theological
deconstruction and reconstruction over the years, and I’m going to share something
that is far less than popular:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the
end, I’m not certain that the God I have come to recognize as very real is entirely
the God I hoped God would be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
raw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sucks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yet, God is good, God is present, and God
is love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, as it turns out, God is also still working in and
through people, because at the eleventh hour there was a plot twist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through an introduction made by my advisor,
followed by a very simple appointment process, Phil was offered a pastorate at
the UMC in South Walpole, MA (a suburb of Boston).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it includes a parsonage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And maybe, just maybe, it turns out that our
faith is not misplaced after all and that God can work in ways we did not
expect when we know our gut-wrenching decisions have been choices made with
integrity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here’s to public transportation, lobstah, tea parties at
the ocean, and maybe a class or two at Harvard (are you kidding me?) as the
Michaels’ take to the east coast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please wait patiently for the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything
Spoof…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
L. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN_P0VeOe0KGsaJE5lvBdhI6QrclM8xVpGj93qCecF4nOs9KMRt1K2UTbw4BZHJFH8-rq_g3IIF0QMVYby17tj7Af-1WS2c-Dd0ezFL7GtMA3eGQTmEnjXhEq7_eW-5gVdHzD8ZVxHsfQ/s1600/BOSTON.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="372" data-original-width="280" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN_P0VeOe0KGsaJE5lvBdhI6QrclM8xVpGj93qCecF4nOs9KMRt1K2UTbw4BZHJFH8-rq_g3IIF0QMVYby17tj7Af-1WS2c-Dd0ezFL7GtMA3eGQTmEnjXhEq7_eW-5gVdHzD8ZVxHsfQ/s320/BOSTON.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="mso-element: endnote-list;">
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/2/blogger.g?blogID=5863580044898821386#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[i]</span></span></span></span></span></a><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> <span class="woj">And everyone who has
left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or
fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit
eternal life.</span></span> <span class="woj"><span id="en-NIV-23793">But many who
are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.</span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-77139016331378151772018-05-22T16:07:00.000-04:002018-05-22T18:58:14.313-04:00Season Finales<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a confession to make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I didn’t watch popular TV for a couple of decades, but then I did again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why do we invest our time in fictional narratives?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps the reasons are as diverse as the
number of us who exist and continue to circle around the sun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My honest answer is that there was this
moment when I said to myself, “I need to sit down and binge watch something
that has characters with more complicated lives than mine.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I chose Grey’s Anatomy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If I legitimately wanted characters with ridiculously complex lives, I
struck gold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched 12 seasons in
three months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s 269 episodes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have yet to decide if I am proud of this or
irrevocably ashamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After years upon
years of being an entertainment media purist, I felt like I was flipping off
the world, rebel me, watching all that off screen sex… and blood related to
medical procedures… and bad language… <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this was three years ago.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most days, I don’t wake up angry anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, most days I wake up super exhausted
and hope somebody has hit the power button on the Keurig, as I grapple for my
glasses and consider how I can best balance the writing of children’s sermons
and academic papers… being mom in sweatpants and jet-setting in business suits…
being who I am and who I hope to be… and most days, I’m fairly amazed that I
have the opportunity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I’m thinking a lot about season finales, right now,
because it’s that time of year (and one does not surrender thirteen full days
of one’s life to follow characters and then fail to turn the final page…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it can’t go on forever, right?).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m thinking about how season finales have the
power to bring us to tears or even make us throw things (that might just be me).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m thinking about how they are almost always
cliffhangers, keeping us on the edge of our seats, causing us to set the DVR
for fall… watching… waiting…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, I’m
thinking about how I am living a season finale, right now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some finales are more epic than others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Undoubtedly, the most difficult ones are
those in which we say good-bye to beloved characters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you know anything at all about living in
Shondaland, you also know she is more than willing to kill off major characters…
like… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all of them</i>, without apology…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Equally tragic, however, are the characters that
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">choose</i> to leave, and it really plays
with our emotions when these characters make guest appearances, showing up on
the scene again…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Honestly, this can feel a lot like real life…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh crap, there you are…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forgot you weren’t dead…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It sounds brutal, but I think it hurts more when people
decide we aren’t worth their time or walk away to protect their own interests,
leaving ours in a heap of disarray that can, at best, be gathered and sorted
and sobbed over, but that, at worst, is so damaged it can never be fixed… or
even properly dealt with or grieved.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I mean, come on…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How
can you actually grieve something to its end when there are constant (or even
intermittent, see: I’m really not angry every day) reminders that it could
still exist, if every star aligned just right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even if you don’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want</i> that to
be the case, there can still be too many “what ifs” and “if onlys” to permanently
put it to rest.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There have occasionally been times in my life when I have
uttered the words, “I would give anything for…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s actually a really dumb thing to say, because there are
few things in the world that any of us would actually give <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anything</i>… let alone <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everything</i>…
for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But stay with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is all going to connect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mending of broken relationship might come
closest, with just not hurting over broken relationship taking a tight second.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I’ve processed (and, admittedly, maybe even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">over</i>-processed) some things along these
lines, I have run across a couple of well-meaning friends who have suggested
the potential for reframing the stories and changing the narratives we tell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, this works well for many people…
alleviates anxiety… minimizes triggers… results in a happy ending…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I just can’t buy it!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="text"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Proverbs
4: 7, 13, 25-27a, “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.</i></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <span class="text">Though it cost all you
have, get understanding…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hold on to
instruction, do not let it go;</span> <span class="text">guard it well,
for it is your life.</span> <span class="text">Let your eyes look straight ahead;</span>
<span class="text">fix your gaze directly before you…</span> <span class="text">Give
careful thought to the paths for your feet</span> <span class="text">and
be steadfast in all your ways.</span> <span class="text">Do not turn to the right
or the left…”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I’d rather feel it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think someday it will hurt less, because it already hurts less often,
but I do not want to forget (I’ve heard that might be my problem).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I’d rather cry forever, but I also
know I’m not crying nearly as much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think revisionist history is dangerous, because although it may allow us to
forget the tragedy, it also causes us to forget the joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And… see <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Psalm 6:8-9, “<span class="text">for the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"> has heard my weeping.</span> <span class="text">The </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"> has heard my cry for mercy;</span> <span class="text">the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"> accepts my prayer.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="text">I’m just not willing to wipe that out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is it easy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it difficult?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ditto.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is it unbearable?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yep, at times,
that too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Welcome back to ordinary days...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Welcome back to what it is to be human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just in case you didn’t catch it, this is
also a cliff hanger…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stay tuned in to
find out which characters make this cut…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
L.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
PS Don’t even get me started on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">series </i>finales... </div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-54693211441899681082018-05-17T04:10:00.000-04:002018-05-17T12:07:46.544-04:00To No Fanfare<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I have too many potential ideas for posts running around in
my head, today, and I also have an incredibly quiet office…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is either going to end well or not…</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I woke up to a pageview ticker that informed me Flip Flops,
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did as I neared the 10,000 mark), but life is incredibly different now than it
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long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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I was deep in thought about small things and big things and
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<br /></div>
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I spent last week thinking a lot about big fish in small
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an oxygen deprived fish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was thinking
about how I used to be so desperate to be seen and heard in circles that no
longer matter to me, because I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">am</i>
being seen and heard in bigger bodies of water… like the ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really like the ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I had a brief moment of panic when
someone suggested I might be gaining enough traction to become a big fish <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">there</i>, and I don’t want that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, I honestly don’t!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have this new, bigger dream than I ever
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Interestingly, the daily office related well to the stuff I
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</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, shout out to the minor prophet Zechariah who was brave
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things shall rejoice” (4:10a, NRSV).</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sure have lived that—the despising of the day of small
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Psalmist also writes about
days, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“When they were of little account”
(see Psalm 105),</i> and it’s interesting how it doesn’t stay that way, even
when it seems the small stuff is never-ending.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every once in awhile, I actually wish I could return to a
simpler time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then I remember how
much I love what God is doing in the world, and I’m not willing to miss out on
my part, whatever it may be!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
L.</div>
L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5863580044898821386.post-63844261691418838962018-05-15T15:16:00.000-04:002018-05-15T15:16:15.658-04:00We Can Have Both<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I sometimes struggle with knowing exactly how to pray.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not that there is any one right way, but
the evolution of my theology can make for some interesting conversations with
God.</span></div>
<br />
Ephesians 3:14-21:<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“<span class="text">For
this reason I bow my knees before the Father, <span id="en-NRSV-29250">from whom
every family in heaven and on earth takes its name. </span><sup><span id="en-NRSV-29251"> </span></sup>I pray that, according to the riches of his glory,
he may grant that you may be strengthened in your inner being with power
through his Spirit, </span><span id="en-NRSV-29252">and that Christ may dwell in
your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love. </span><sup><span id="en-NRSV-29253"> </span></sup>I pray that you may have the power to comprehend,
with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, <span id="en-NRSV-29254">and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so
that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="text">Now to him who by the power
at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask
or imagine, </span><span id="en-NRSV-29256">to him be glory in the church and in
Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.</span></i><br />
<br />
This is mind blowing stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Paul
prays that the Ephesians might be able to comprehend that which is
incomprehensible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He prays for the
impossible, and then he acts as if this is completely reasonable, since the God
we can’t fully comprehend can do more than we can imagine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s as if Paul is asking God to help us
understand what cannot be understood, and he expects that might actually
happen, even though he can’t possibly expect it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>This
is often how I pray.<br />
<br />
But I think we have to take a step back for a moment, because I don’t want
to miss the part where we are strengthened by the power of the Holy Spirit,
which allows us to be rooted and grounded in love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to miss that part, because I
think we can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all</i> have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And, I also think it’s the most important part, particularly when comprehension
and knowledge are elusive.<br />
<br />
I really like to know stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I admit the quest for
knowledge can be overwhelming and consuming, at times, and I am far more unapologetic
than Solomon (see Ecclesiastes).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wholeheartedly believe this thirst
is a part of who we are and who we were created to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I also have to remember that we were first
created to love, and the measure of that love is infinite in nature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">It's not a binary choice, though... this non-existent knowledge vs. love dichotomy. Love is the greatest, but we can have both. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">L.</span>L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00753340371900142282noreply@blogger.com0