The Daily Office is Just Killing Me, Today

It's been a weird week for me.  In some ways, it's been overwhelming, and in other ways I feel as if I have accomplished absolutely nothing.  I have certainly blogged less than has been my modus operandi for this calendar year.  That is not to be confused with writing less.  It's just that so many of the things I wrote didn't seem appropriate (I know, I know, super funny coming from me).  But really...

As I sat down to read Scripture this morning, though, it occurred to me that there is enough material here to write several posts.  I think it all might fit together neatly, in some way, but it also... doesn't...

Originally, I thought I might start out with a post titled, 

"With Friends Like This..."

Psalm 55:20-21, "My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant.  His talk is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords" (NIV).

It is completely possible that I don't always give people the benefit of the doubt, or maybe I'm just far more naive than I think I am (I have been accused of this), but sometimes I feel like this about people who are supposed to be my friends.  I am something like 150% not as amazingly loving and giving and holy as I should be... as I wish I was...  With that in mind, these words could just as easily be written as a description of me, so I need to fix that.  I don't really want to attack anybody.  I certainly don't want to break covenant.  And I want the words from my mouth (or my fingers) to line up with the intent of my heart as well as my follow-through.  Maybe it is completely outside the realm of reality, but there is still a part of me that hopes others might be pressing toward this goal, as well.  I know none of us is perfect.  I'm sure not.  But maybe we can all keep trying to just be kind.     

Then I thought,

"Maybe I Just Want to Hide..."

Psalm 139:7-12, "Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.  If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you" (NIV).

I recently wrote a sermon about David.  Although this passage wasn't the main text, it does make a cameo appearance.  There are these incredible moments when I think that maybe.... just maybe... I could be who I was created to be, but if I'm real; there are more moments when I wonder if hiding might be easier.  Ironically, as I was searching for a synonym for "hiding" I found that "defeat" fits the bill.  I was not expecting that. 

St. Francis said, "All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle."

"Even the darkness will not be dark to you..."    

Oh, Light of the World, what, exactly, do we think we're getting away with?

And then there was this,

"I Have Always Loved a Good Storm"

Exodus 40:37, "but if the cloud did not lift, they did not set out—until the day it lifted" (NIV).

I think storms are terrifying to most people.  I'm not talking about literal storms, although I do love those.  True story.  I chased a good storm, just the other day.  But, I'm talking about what people might metaphorically refer to as, "the storms of life"...  the hard times...

Interestingly, when you go back and read the narrative of Israel, God was the storm.  I think we often look for rescue from the very One we need.  We don't wait for the clouds to lift to set out.  We see the clouds coming, and we run.  Maybe we should embrace the storm, instead.  Maybe we should be still, absorbing every bit of the glory of God that is available to us.  Maybe the running is so hard, because it's just not time yet.

Of course, it wouldn't be my life if something absurd didn't also strike me in the midst of my reading, thinking, and writing, so, 

I Thessalonians 4:11, "make it your ambition to lead a quiet life.  You should mind your own business..." (NIV). 

Uh... failing...

And finally there was the gospel passage,

"Can I Tie this All Together"

Probably not, but maybe Jesus can.

Matthew 5:38-48, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'  But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.  You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (NIV).

Friends and enemies... Perfection and love... The sun and the rain falling on all of us.  Of course...

 
L.

Desire

Well, there's nothing like juxtaposing the Ten Commandments and the temptation of Jesus in the desert, and while we're at it, let's throw Psalm 37 in for good measure.  Sometimes the lectionary blows my mind.

Psalm 37:4, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (NIV).

It's one of the most misunderstood verses in Scripture.  I've loved it for years... decades... OK, my whole life...  first for all the wrong reasons, and then... I hope... for some of the right ones.

Here's the trick.  When we legitimately take delight in the Lord, our desires change.  The Lord becomes our desire.  God gives us Godself... which is, to be honest, not what most people want this verse to mean. 

There are days when this is not what I want this verse to mean.  There are days when I am afraid I might sell my soul to the devil, in the desert, for some bread and safety and a queendom of my own.  I have broken every... single... commandment (before anyone calls the police and has a warrant issued for my arrest, please see how Jesus defines things like murder and adultery in Matthew chapter 5).  Like anybody else, I have desires.  Sometimes those desires fall far short of what (and/or who) they should be.  Let me be the first to admit this.

The more transparent I get, the easier it is to share.  This is not to be confused with easy - just easier.  When I started writing about confession some months ago, I had no idea I would become more comfortable with it as time went on.  I can talk about (most of) my failings now, and it's helpful.  But there are days when the struggle is still all too real, and I sound a little bit like the Israelites, begging Moses to speak, because they are literally scared to death to hear God's voice.  What might God require?  Even simple rules are hard to keep.

I feel as if there have been times in my life when I have leaned into and lived into Psalm 37:4 the way it was meant to be.  Undoubtedly, those are peaceful times, even when they don't look like anything anyone would hope for.  I know this from experience.  I know this in my head.  And yet, it's one of those days when getting all of that knowledge to seep down into my heart is more difficult than I want it to be.

It's Thursday Theology.  What truth do we learn about God in these passages of Scripture?  Maybe we learn that God is demanding.  Whoa!  Hold the phone!  What?  It's OK if you'd like to push back against this one (or anything I say, ever), but think about this for just a minute.  When Jesus is being tempted, he uses Scripture to make it clear that we are to live by God's words alone, we are not to test God, and we are to worship only God.  God wants to be our desire, over and above any desire that is natural to human beings.  God wants to be everything. 

Oh friends, there are moments when I can say, "I got this," but they are often so fleeting.  I would sure love to hear from any of you who have "arrived".  But since I'm thinking the number of people who can make this claim honestly is zero, I'd also love to hear from all of you who are still journeying.   

 
L.

What If I Need to Deconstruct Me

My friend, Sara, posted these words, today: "It is when all of the pain and all of the fear come rushing to the front, it is then that we have to choose to let go. To see what God has planned - we can't be anything, do anything, go anywhere, until we can let go of all the things that we are not. I'm letting God work in my heart today, I am choosing not to give in to all that I am not... because today is a great adventure."

So it's time for Thursday Theology...  you know, that part of the week when (if I remember it's Thursday, at all) I might write about something God is or, more likely, something God is not.  But these words had me thinking more about what I'm not... I'm not sure I've ever deconstructed myself, before...

Psalm 18:1, "I love you, Lord, my strength" (NIV).

I like to be strong.  Even when I'm not strong, I like people to think that I am.  I can be far too independent for anyone's good.  So this very small verse packed an enormous punch as I read it.  It's not as if I didn't already know this, but my strength is actually not my own, at all.  Let's start the deconstruction right there.  I am not strong.  But God is.    

The narrative of how God provided for the Israelites with the manna and the quail is just blowing my mind, today (see Exodus 16:10-22).  Let's be real.  As a planner, I would have been one of those people who gathered too much and ended up with a maggot infested kitchen.  I have a pretty good story about maggots... is anyone surprised?

Several years ago, the second floor of my previous house began to stink.  I mean, the stench was awful, and it just kept getting worse day after day after day.  I was certain that the odor was coming from the bedroom of my two youngest sons.  I was on their case... every single day... to clean their room.  They were little, so of course I helped them.  We went through all the toys, all the drawers, just... everything.  I changed sheets and vacuumed and used more Lysol wipes than anyone should possess.  And the house still stunk!

I finally thought to myself, "Maybe it's the kids' bathroom".  This space was, after all, used by all five children!  I cleaned the bathroom.  I mean, I really cleaned the bathroom.  I cleaned it better than it had ever been cleaned, every inch of it.  And the house still stunk!

Well, I knew it wasn't coming from the master bedroom and bath, but I cleaned those, as well.  Didn't help.

Then, one afternoon as I quickly ran into "the baby's" pristine princess forest nursery to put a couple of toys back where they belonged, I saw them.  In her play kitchen sink, surrounding an old juice cup that was inadvertently forgotten, was an entire colony of maggots.  I gagged.  I screamed for reinforcements to produce more Lysol wipes, immediately.  I gagged again.  A lot.  I am sort of a germaphobe anyway, but this was just too much. 

Later, when I allowed my very little toddler to resume life in her now inhabitable space, when the sippy cup had been thrown away and the maggots were no more, she looked up at me and asked,  "Mommy, where my white worms?"  

Please, just pause for a moment to give this the appropriate, horrifying effect...

MY BABY WAS RAISING MAGGOTS AS PETS!!!

Go ahead and puke.  I did.

So, the Israelites...

They're so cyclical...

OK...  I'm so cyclical...

Over and over again, God provides.  Over and over again, we have just what we need for the moment, and that's enough.  And yet... sometimes in the midst of this we panic, hoarding everything we might need for tomorrow, because... what?  We think maybe God will wake up tomorrow and decide not to provide?  That's so ridiculous!  (Hey, L., that's so ridiculous!)  Sorry, just needed to talk to myself for a moment...

Psalm 18:25-29, "To the faithful you show yourself faithful, to the blameless you show yourself blameless, to the pure you show yourself pure, but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.  You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.  You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.  With your help I can advance against a troop, with my God I can scale a wall" (NIV).

God responds to us.  I don't want to get myself into a whole lot of trouble, right now, but God is to us what we ask God to be.  Oh goodness, how I want to be faithful and blameless and pure and humble.  I'm OK with not being able to scale a wall, though.  That would just be ludicrous.  And I don't want to raise maggots, ever again.

 
L.

When People Become Our Gods

Psalm 146, all of it, "Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord, my soul.  I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.  Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save.  When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing.  Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord their God.  He is the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them - he remains faithful forever.  He upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry.  The Lord sets prisoners free, the Lord gives sight to the blind, the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down, the Lord loves the righteous.  The Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.  The Lord reigns forever, your God, O Zion, for all generations.  Praise the Lord" (NIV).

The other day I saw this quote,

I liked it immediately.  I am, certifiably, extraordinarily stubborn, and I like to save myself.  Just yesterday I sat down with one of my friends who has known me the longest, and she went into this long treatise about how I get when anyone tells me that I can't do something.  I just sat there and listened, because I know she's right.  It's awful.  I replayed the quote in my head a couple of times.  It didn't help.

Lately I get way too wrapped up in the need for affirmation from other human beings, and this is a really difficult tension for me to deal with, because I'm not used to it.  Although the people who know me best still see the fire in my eyes every time somebody says, "You can't (fill in the blank)," I have come to this weird place in life where I think twice.  I actually care about what people are saying to me.  Instead of just saying, "Yes I can," and steamrolling through whatever it is that I had planned, there have been more than a few times when I have found that I actually can't do something.  This is rocking my world a little bit.  I don't like it.

So here it comes...

I can't save myself.

I think this occurred to me a long time ago, but I wasn't quite ready to admit it.

Ironically, you can't save me, either.  And by you, I mean you.  And... everybody...

Except Jesus.

Which comes out sounding so incredibly cliché, and I hate clichés.  But I think this one is true.

There is a part of me that doesn't even know what to do with this, which is sort of stupid, since I have been a follower of Jesus for a really long time now.  This is nothing new.  It's just... hard.

This chapter of Psalms struck me, though.  It is so beautifully focused on the things that the Lord has done.  I want to be the kind of person who does things like that, not because I want to be God, but because I want to be like God.  When people see me, I don't want them to see me, at all.         

Exodus 13:8, "I do this because of what the Lord did for me" (NIV).

May these be my words.

 
L.