Rules of Engagement

I haven’t always been a raging feminist.  OK, let’s be real.  I’m probably still not exactly a raging feminist, although I do talk pretty big.  I spent a large part of my early adulthood proclaiming that I would be completely happy if I was barefoot and pregnant for the rest of my life, and then I actually brought five people into the world to prove it.  And I stayed home with them.  And I homeschooled them.  And I bake awesome desserts and make 21 cheese mac & cheese and homemade pizza and fried chicken from scratch.  I like to scrapbook.  Crafts are fun.  Go ahead left leaning friends, shame me if you have to.  But you might want to read the rest of this, first.

When God called me to the traditionally male dominated vocational field of theology, I was actually a little bit blown away.  In addition to my earlier tendency to fit neatly into conventionally female roles, this is probably the part where I should admit that I had to drop out of my high school speech class, because it literally made me sick, and I took my general ed. speech requirement for my undergraduate degree online. 

So let me get this straight, God… you want me to preach… and speak… and teach?  You want me to spend the rest of my life standing up in front of groups of people and making words come out of my mouth?  OK, whatever.  Who am I to say no?  Bring it on…

Oh, friends… never say that.  The whole, “bring it on,” thing…  It sounds so cool and tough and strong, but it’s overrated.   You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into!  I promise.

Some time back, I wrote a post about some of the unique challenges with which I think female theologians come into contact.  It can be found here.  At the time, I thought I had solved the awkward problem surrounding the Billy Graham Rule.  You’re going to have male colleagues and friends, I said.  You’re going to have lots of male colleagues and friends, I said.  Be cautious, but don’t worry about it too much, I said, because surely everybody ‘gets’ this.  We’re all adults.  In the world of theology, I would hope that at least most of us are adults who are trying our very best to serve Jesus and live holy lives.  We can be friends.  It will be OK.

I recently ran across a couple of articles that I thought were excellent examples supporting this line of thinking.  They can be found here:

How I Learned to Stop Worrying about the Billy Graham Rule and Love like Jesus

Ladies Who Lunch – With Men

I also recently attended a conference that was specifically geared toward women in ministry leadership.  While it was incredibly refreshing to sit around a table with other female pastors, it was also something of a relief to hear them talk about the male colleagues, friends, and mentors in their lives.  No fear was expressed.  Not one person said something like, “I am so afraid of meeting alone with a male colleague, because I might be tempted.”  Not… one…

I started to think to myself, “Maybe we have finally turned the corner,” but I wasn’t certain.  Not yet.  I like research, so I thought to myself, “Maybe I should just take an informal survey.”  In hindsight, perhaps I should have left well enough alone and gone on living in my happy little bubble where men and women both recognize the value of friendship and do not worry about the drastic consequences a cup of coffee might bring.

When asked about the Billy Graham Rule, and interactions with male colleagues, these are some things I heard from women (whose names are being kept confidential):

“It would make it nearly impossible for me to do my job if I had to follow this rule.”

“I believe my voice in the workplace was limited by not being involved in these ‘unofficial’ meetings.”

“If I couldn't have those interactions there is no way I could be anywhere near as successful in my job/workforce.”

“The wife of one of my male colleagues made a comment after a few weeks that (my colleague) and I were a very asexual sort of team.”

“It's almost like they don't see me as a woman and it makes it easier to be successful.”

“What does it say about my character, my Christian witness, that I can't be trusted to have an appropriate conversation/interaction with a man whether I am alone or in public? I have found myself in conversations alone with women that are more uncomfortable than 95% of those I've had with men.”

“I was the victim of abuse in ministry settings and blamed myself… I felt that the rule protected men from me.”

Holy… Cow… 

I almost threw in the towel on this piece after all of that, and maybe I should have.  But I didn’t.

Interestingly, not one single woman I spoke to took someone with her when meeting with a man, because she felt unsafe.  I might come back to that.

When asked about the Billy Graham Rule, and interactions with female colleagues, these are some things I heard from men (whose names are also being kept confidential):

“I saw the rules largely as a way of being ‘above reproach.’"

“Men fall into that trap much more often than women.” 

“It kept us from being in situations where people could speculate about what might be happening behind closed doors.”

“It’s OK to break the rule in a crisis.”

“I don’t want to be emotionally intimate with anyone other than my wife.”

“I'm not sure this is a hill I want to die on these days, but I don't necessarily disagree with this approach.”

In everyone’s defense, I’m pretty sure we have a serious communication problem.

My assessment here is that we see men sharing concern over temptation, general public perception, and the potential for immoral behavior.  Even though some of the conversations were frustrating (admittedly, I had to step away on a couple of occasions, because it was making me pretty hot—and not in a tempting kind of way), I can see why they don’t want to die on that hill.

Unfortunately, women are dying on the hill, because we’re looking at this from a completely different perspective.  We’re not even considering temptation and moral failure (although I am going to say something more about that in a second, here)!  The vast majority of us are just considering how we can best do our jobs and maybe… maybe… crack the glass ceiling!  Realistically, I think most women who work in male dominated fields want to be able to have the same conversations with their male colleagues that they would have with female colleagues, and they want their male colleagues to have the same level of friendship/attachment with them that male colleagues have with one another (not to be confused with the same level of intimacy they have with their wives or girlfriends or whatever).  That sounds fine to me, completely appropriate, but the problem comes in when people don't seem to understand the principles of mixed gender, platonic relationships.  And that’s a real thing, friends.  True story.

Now, let’s touch on temptation for a moment.

I was actually really disturbed by the one quote, “Men fall into that trap much more often than women.”

I feel very certain of a couple of things.  First, men do not fall into that trap much more often than women, because most of the time there must be a woman involved for a man to fall into that trap (and vice versa)!  Infidelity is not generally happening without the involvement of (at least) two people.  This brings me to the second thing of which I am sure.  I did not interview any rapists for this piece.  What naturally follows is that in order to have a problem, at all, we have to have two willing parties.  The chances of this are infinitesimally low.

There are a lot of reasons for this, and without aiming to destroy anyone’s self esteem here, I think if everyone took just a moment to be slightly self-deprecating, we would realize that most of us are not attractive enough to be home wreckers!

I’ll go first.  I am in my mid-thirties (OK, pushing late thirties, but humor me), the mother of five children (totally takes a toll on the body and mind), overweight, Type A, suffering from adult onset acne, avid reader of YA fiction, and an introvert.  The majority of you are not going to be able to come up with a description that is that great, because I am, quite possibly, the safest woman in the world with whom someone else’s husband could have coffee… or even lunch…  but I’ll bet some of you can get close.

A friend of mine recently made a correlation between temptation and chocolate saying, “I don't keep bags of chocolate in the house because I know I'll be too tempted to eat the whole thing. I like to pretend I have that kind of self-control, but I don't. So I just don't put myself in a situation where I'll eat a whole bag.”

The sentiment is honorable, but friends… we’re not chocolate.  I was going to insert something in here about also not being potato chips and the “Betcha can’t eat just one,” slogan, because I thought that was for Ruffles, but it wasn’t, so never mind…  The point is, at this stage we’re more like carrot sticks or maybe even boxes of raisins.  I’m not saying we should throw caution to the wind.  I’m not saying we should meet behind closed doors with complete strangers.  I understand the reality in which we live where an accusation can be just as devastating as a conviction.  Believe me.  I get it. 

But coffee?  In a public place?  With a colleague?  Talking about church policy or sacraments or even your family vacation, complete with pictures of the kids?  Nothing about that screams, “Let’s have sex!”  And thinking it does simply does not give anyone the credit they deserve. 

L.

Unique (I Think) Challenges for Female Theologians

I'm not a feminist, and I never want to jump on the soapbox that shouts, "Being a female theologian stinks, because everybody hates us!"  This is simply not true.  However, there are some unique challenges.  

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Even if you break through the glass ceiling, there are people who want to repair it.  The Church of the Nazarene has a history of being inclusive of women, but even in the most women friendly denominations, some pastors still don't get it.  I will never forget the day Nina Gunter was elected as a General Superintendent.  I'd like to say that it is such an unforgettable moment, because she was deserving (which she was) or because it was a step in the right direction (which it was) or for any number of other reasons.  However, the most prominent reason I will never forget it is that I happened to be in the office at my local church, making copies of music for the youth worship band that I led, and the Senior Pastor was having an absolute fit over the voting.  

With each new vote, he would run into the office very upset about the upward trend for Dr. Gunter.  I can't remember everything he said, but he was furious that the voters at General Assembly could be so stupid as to elect a woman to such a position of power.  It was difficult, to say the least, to be standing there completely unable to form an appropriate response.

By the time the final vote was tallied, this man was actually changing colors, and I was a little concerned that he might have a heart attack.  I finished making my copies and walked home wondering how this could possibly be happening in the 21st century.

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So many of your friends are naturally going to be men.  Pastoral Ministry is still a male dominated field, and that's OK.  People should enter into ministry because they feel called to do so, and if that means that an overwhelming number of pastors are men, because they are the ones who feel called, then I'm not going to argue with that.  Sometimes, you might come across a rare situation in which you are surrounded by other female theologians.  Actually, I have experienced this in my education, where many of my colleagues have been women.  But this is unusual.

I am tempted to say, "Guard yourself," but that doesn't begin to cover what I mean, and it is inadequate for the dilemma, because you actually can't guard yourself all the time.  If you did that, you would never form friendships with your colleagues.  These are difficult waters.  You can't build a wall around yourself, but there is also some wisdom in the old adage, "Don't play with fire," because, well, you know what's bound to happen.

It can be somewhat difficult to sufficiently play the role of "one of the guys".  That's OK.  You really shouldn't have to do this.  That said, I do have a lot of communication going on with male colleagues.  There are stretches of time when this is a daily occurrence.  It can be tricky.  I do not possess amazing social filters, and sometimes I know I say things, in the regular course of conversation, that might cross an invisible line in the sand.  I call these, "Oh, crap moments".  They are the times when I say something, or maybe worse yet, write something (who needs an incriminating paper trail, and let's face it, the Internet is forever), and then look back on it and think, "That did not come out right".  Then, of course, it's almost worse to try to fix it.

I have all kinds of guidelines for myself.  Don't say anything I wouldn't say to my best friend's husband.  Don't write anything that would come across weird if I left my computer open to Facebook (which I always do) and Phil read my last fifteen message threads.  Don't say anything I wouldn't say if my male colleague's wife was standing next to him.  Don't post anything that would make me furious if some woman posted it to Phil.  The problem with all of this, though, is that I am just as likely to be inappropriate in any of these situations!

Overall, though, just be smart.  There are going to be some limitations on your friendships.  It's OK.  Sometimes you're going to say something you wish you could get back.  It's OK.  You could drive yourself crazy over analyzing every interaction.  Don't do it.  It's not worth it.  Chances are excellent that you are way more worried about this than anybody else.

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Your friends who are women might fall into a distinctly different theological leaning category.  Frankly, most of my closest friends are reformed.  This makes it basically impossible for me to talk with them about my calling, my education, or my vocation.  We are pretty much limited to discussing raising children and planning vacations, and I'm OK with that, because these are also things about which I care very much.  Sometimes, however, I wish for deeper conversation.  The problem is, if I bring theology or ministry into the equation, I am going to hear all about how I should identify myself as "Mrs. Michaels" rather than "Pastor Lisa," I am going to be labeled a heretic, and their husbands are not going to let them have play dates with me anymore.  It sounds melodramatic, but I have lost more than one friend because my definition of submission doesn't add up to her husband's definition.  Ironically, these same friends think my husband is awesome!  There must be something to that.

This difference in opinion has also been problematic for my oldest daughter, at times.  One particular evening, she had a friend at our house for a sleepover.  While we were eating dinner, her friend said, "Ms. Lisa, I'm learning at church how I was created to make a man happy and have babies!  If you want Grace to be like me, you should let her come to my group!"  They were eleven years old!  This sweet little friend was so excited about this, and I know I was standing there with my jaw on the kitchen floor.  The only thing I could think was, "I don't want Grace to be like you!"  Of course, I couldn't say this, because I am relatively opposed to usurping other people's family values at pre-teen slumber parties, so it took me a long moment to respond carefully.  We declined the invitation.  I hope no one who attends that church ever wants to date my daughter.

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If your husband is also a theologian, it is really hard to shake the stigma of being "the pastor's wife".  You almost have to set yourself apart in some way, but you don't want it to become a competition.  The truth is, sometimes I feel as if it's a lose-lose situation, which is extraordinarily sad, because neither of us wants it to be that way.

As an example of how this is sometimes bizarre, I recently volunteered to participate in the editing process for a denominational document.  It was sent to all of the volunteers with the greeting, "Guys and Lisa Michaels - ".  Awkward.  It was also sent to my husband's email address as opposed to mine.  I'm not sure if they thought he needed to preview my email or what.  He forwarded it to me, I made significant edits, sent it back from my own email account, and then they thanked him.  It was weird.  On a good day, this is almost laugh out loud funny.  On a typical day, I wonder why I am invisible to some people. 

L.