Today I received a graded paper that included the most
interesting comment I have ever seen, "Painfully
excellent paper..."
I paused...
It is here that I will admit that I have struggled with this
class. I don't tend to struggle a whole
lot in the academic world. I might push
back... and debate... and say things just to get a reaction (sometimes). But I'm a good student. In all of my post-grad work, there has only
been one course that caused me serious, legitimate distress. I mean, by the time I reach the final week of
any term, I am holding my eyes open
with toothpicks and begging for the last few words to write themselves before I
collapse in a pile of 2:00am exhaustion, but that's not actually distress. I
secretly love that part. Mostly, school
is awesome.
But I found myself bordering on, "Oh my goodness, I
cannot have a second class that brings me to tears every night," with this
one... Preaching and Worship... just
about enough to make me question my call and whether or not I really need to
finish the last five classes...
It took me awhile to figure out exactly what the problem
was, and this is it: this class underscores what I do not have...
Even though I love what I do... and even though I don't
really want to live in suburbia and pastor a church that offers every program
under the sun and nearly runs itself... and even though I'm sort of
anti-establishment and I can't sing in a choir to save my life... There are
moments when I do feel this enormous void well up. Anyone enrolled in an M.Div. ought to be able
to record a sermon they're preaching, relatively easily, right? Anyone enrolled in an M.Div. ought to be licensed
and pretty close to ordination, right?
Anyone enrolled in an M.Div. ought to be able to find someone to serve
as their director for supervised ministry, right?
Crap! Nothing I do is
supervised! Do you want to know the
single most exciting thing, for me, about the recent trailer that was released
for "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story?"
It was this line, "This is a
rebellion, isn't it? I rebel..."
Except, it's not even that I really
rebel... or at least, not that much.
It's more like I see things that other people don't see, and then I want
to do something about them even when other people don't care. I didn't mean to break the mold. It just... broke...
I really like to do things that are excellent.
Sometimes I would like to stop doing things that are painfully excellent.
Sometimes I would just like to stop living a painful narrative,
altogether, but the alternative isn't always what you might think, so I keep
living it, because at least it's real.
I read this, from Common Prayer, today:
"Even in the
darkness, we will trust: that our lives are still in your hands."
And you know what? It
helped.
Colossians
4:2-6, "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And
pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may
proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I
should. Be wise in the way
you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace,
seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone" (NIV).
At least we've already established that I
have the salty part down...
L.
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