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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Of Fortune Cookies... And Flights... And Remembering Who I Am...



Today I greeted the morning with a message that read, in part, "Here you are broken and far away, yet still trying to help - sounds just like you though..."

There was this brief moment when I had to stop to ask myself, "Does it?  Does this sound just like me?"  And this is not a, "yay me!" moment.  Really, it's not.  I have long since decided that those kinds of moments are overrated.  But I think this was an accurate picture of who I really am.  I recently used a quote in a FB post, "She knows who she is, she just forgot for a little while" - Donald Miller.  I can't remember if I also used this quote, here, but it's good enough to repeat.

So, for anyone following the personal, physical struggle I am currently dealing with, yesterday I sat in a doctor's office and a physical therapist said to me, "Yeah, your ribs are popped (which I knew), but your spine isn't working right, either."  And there was just this, "Are you kidding me?" reaction.  I'm thirty-six years old.  Of course my spine is working.  Catch me at eighty-six, and maybe I'll be able to accept this kind of statement, but seriously, I just don't have time for this.  Of course, these words (in my head) are defense mechanisms.  They are a way to fight the anxiety and panic as I then proceeded to let her move my ribs and spine (I think, "aggressively" was the word she used) for the next 35 minutes.  And then I made appointments for six more weeks, so we can do this all over again... and again... and again...  I would like to throw up every time I think about this, but that might not be the best plan, because I'm thinking about it a lot.

I'm so done being scared of stuff, though.  That's why I went to work out today, even though "work out" is going to look a lot more like "crawl on a treadmill" for the foreseeable future.  At least the scariest part of that adventure was the old guy that hit on me.  Whatever.  I think I could probably outrun him if I had to, spine, ribs, and all...

And then I had lunch with a friend, and I ran across a fortune cookie that read, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step." 

Although I wouldn't necessarily suggest using fortune cookies as your primary means of advice, I came home and booked a couple of flights.  I'm planning to book a couple more, tonight.  The craziest thing about this is that it made me feel happy.  If you know me, this is sort of weird, since I don't love flying, but I think I've decided that 2016 is simply going to be the year I stop saying that.  If I'm really done being scared of stuff, flying counts too. 

I can't let incidental life crap get in my way anymore.  I have pretty much decided that if there's something that I think I should do, if there's something that I think God would be pleased with me doing, I'm doing it.  It doesn't have to make sense.  I don't have to have it all planned out.  I'm just going to take that first step... and the next one... and the next one...   

I am a little overwhelmed by how well this has been working since I flipped the calendar.  Life is not perfect.  In fact, there are things that really stink right now.  I don't get it, but none of it is more than God can understand. 

I'm liking this Scripture, a lot, today, "Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested" (Hebrews 2:18, NRSV).

It's about Jesus.  I always say I want to be like Jesus.  Maybe it's about me, too...

L.

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