...this year... or, you know, my whole life...
I ran across two Scriptures, this morning, that stand in
contrast to one another and resonate so deeply it hurts.
Psalm 30:6, "When
I felt secure, I said, 'I will never be shaken'" (NIV).
And...
Psalm 42:3, "My
tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long,
'Where is your God?'" (NIV).
I choose my words very carefully. Go ahead.
Laugh. Get it all out. But, actually, it's true. The people who are closest to me often
re-read what I write multiple times before drawing a conclusion, because they
know my words are chosen in such a way that a quick read-through will probably
impart some sort of truth, but what I really mean is hidden beneath layers upon
layers upon layers. And somewhere,
buried deeply, you can likely find the unshaken core of who I am under the
desperate cry, "Where are you, God?"
To remain unshaken, when shaken, is in many ways the
proverbial story of my life.
Personal Reflection is an important spiritual
discipline. It is, essentially, paying
close attention to what is going on inside of ourselves in order to be transformed
into more loving people: people who love God more, people who love people more,
people who love ourselves more. It can
be very difficult to become this kind of person in the midst of
insecurity.
On the surface, quite honestly, all I can see is uncertainty,
lately. But the surface doesn't really
matter that much. I was just thinking
about cells (weird, right), and how our skin replenishes itself approximately
every 27 days. Whatever you're looking
at, today... it's going to be gone in less
than a month. Taking this a step further,
borrowing from Donald Miller, again, "The
human body essentially recreates itself every six months. Nearly every cell of hair and skin and bone dies
and another is directed to its former place" (A Million Miles in a Thousand Years). I'll take some creative license and amend his
next statement. We're not the same
people we were last summer. At least,
not mostly. Reflection matters, because
it transforms the parts of us that last.
Over the past few weeks I have made and amended some
commitments. They include things like:
If there is something
that I feel God would be pleased with, I will do it without worrying about the
details. I may have already
mentioned this. Huge step for a compulsive planner.
I have reservations for six flights sitting on my printer, and I am
considering eating only cupcakes for three straight days in March. Wait.
Let's not think too hard about whether or not God put that particular plan
in my heart...
I will continue to
help people, even if I don't know where the resources will come from. Huge
step for someone who is terrified of letting people down. It's hard to say, "I will help
you," without knowing if I can actually do anything practical, but
interestingly enough I am finding that other people are sometimes willing to
kick in the resources if I just ask.
I will continue to
raise funny kids. Huge step for a mom who used to think it
was important for socks to match and children to refrain from sharing embarrassing
family secrets in public. I added this
one, last night, after a dear friend sent a message thanking our family for the
gift of laughter. So, even though Miah
says things like, "Oh no! Why do
you have to post that," I will continue to leave this family vulnerable if
it brings joy to others.
I sat down and started making a list of all the things I
have seen God do either for or through me/us (because much of it has been a
community effort), just since I began adopting these unconventional life
rules. The list is longer than I thought
it would be. Oh look. There's
my God.
Whatever you're looking at, right now... It matters, but in the end it won't
last. Dig deeper. Dig deep.
L.
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